SHADY OAKS NAMED LEAST DESIRABLE PLACE TO RAISE A FAMILY Litter graffiti thefts and packs of feral dogs helped land our township in last place in the annual New Jersey Today poll MYSTERIOUS TAILED GIRL SAVES BABY She tore that car door right off said a local man Saved the baby from the backseat of the stolen car and caught the carjacker to boot I tell you I've never seen the like SQUIRREL GIRL SAVES THE DAY An amateur Super Villain headed to jail after Shady Oaks's local Super Hero Squirrel Girl foiled his nefarious plot SQUIRREL GIRL STOPS CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY I didn't know what hit me said the alleged thief Turns out it was a giant squirrel tail Man I'm telling all my buddies to avoid Shady Oaks This neighborhood is protected now ALLEGED CAR-RADIO THIEF RESCUED FROM EXTREMELY TALL TREE When asked why he was in such a tall tree the suspect responded Squirrel Girl told me to spend some time up here thinking about my life choices
COUPON COUNTERFEITING OPERATION SHUT DOWN County police discovered a coupon-counterfeiting gang when the alleged criminals made a panicked 9-1-1 call They're everywhere They've taken out the lights Hundreds of small black eyes staring at us Now they're throwing acorns Save us Save us SHADY OAKS CRIME AT ALL-TIME LOW Local residents credit their own neighborhood Super Hero the unbeatable Squirrel Girl and her squirrel friends for the sudden drop in crime SHADY OAKS TO GET A SHOPPING MALL With crime low and consumer confidence high businesses are starting to invest in long-overlooked Shady Oaks
1 SQUIRREL GIRL The night was as cool as glass Streetlamps cast orange cones of light onto the pavement but everything in between them was darkness Darkness so thick you could gnaw on it Squirrel Girl perched atop a streetlamp twelve feet above the quiet suburban street Not the kind of place where you'd expect to run into a laser-blasting maniacal villain Squirrel Girl's bushy tail twitched Her keen eyes raked the darkness for any sign of that dastardly ne'er-do-well Then her phone buzzed Finally All this waiting was getting super-boring She went for the phone scooping it out of a pouch on her utility belt But a bunch of loose cashews spilled out of the pouch and she fumbled fumbled the phone
