1 SQUIRREL GIRL The night was as cool as glass Streetlamps cast orange cones of light onto the pavement but everything in between them was darkness Darkness so thick you could gnaw on it Squirrel Girl perched atop a streetlamp twelve feet above the quiet suburban street Not the kind of place where you'd expect to run into a laser-blasting maniacal villain Squirrel Girl's bushy tail twitched Her keen eyes raked the darkness for any sign of that dastardly ne'er-do-well Then her phone buzzed Finally All this waiting was getting super-boring She went for the phone scooping it out of a pouch on her utility belt But a bunch of loose cashews spilled out of the pouch and she fumbled fumbled the phone
1 Dang it she said diving headfirst off the streetlamp She caught the cell just before it could crack against the sidewalk twisting to land on her feet On her phone was a text from Ana Sofía Arcos Romero her BHFF ANA SOFÍA Are you hidden Squirrel Girl checked her surroundings in a super sleuthy sleuth way She was standing directly under the streetlamp orange light falling over her as bright as a fire She leaped up into the shadowy branches of an oak tree in someone's front yard SQUIRREL GIRL Yep of course I'm the most hiddenest Soo00 sleuthy Very stakeout ANA SOFÍA Good cuz u know sometimes u forget to hide and the bad guys see u and no more element of surprise 1 That means Best Human Friend Forever By the way this is me Doreen Green aka Squirrel Girl I'm just gonna read along with you and let you know my thoughts down here in the endnotes deal
SQUIRREL GIRL Who me ANA SOFÍA Anyway the Squirrel Scouts on the north end of the park saw Laser Lady going down Bungalow Row so she might be coming your way SQUIRREL GIRL Ooh is that what we're calling her cuz i was thinking maybe Light Emitting Desperado You know cuz it would be LED Or Smashlight maybe Zap Mama ² ANA SOFÍA She kinda named herself already In the way that she's running around shouting I AM LASER LADY SQUIRREL GIRL Good way of making sure no one messes up your name ANA SOFÍA Maybe I should try it Mr Hanks calls me Annie Sophie The pain is real 2 Or Luster Lass Lumen the Undying Captain Incandescent Flicker Filly the Inexcusable Glare Sun Bunny If it were me I would just go as Shine but I would also pretend to be Australian because with the accent people might think my name is Shoin which would confuse and discomfit them and that's what crime is all about right
