The Splendid Baron Submarine

The Splendid Baron Submarine — page 1 — For George and Doris Erk

The Splendid Baron Submarine — page 2 — Very Peculiar underwear StePhen SePtember 14th 1891 And that’s when the killer monkeys showed up They all started to attack me slapping me senseless with their big monkey paws when suddenly Thank you Waldo Miss Danielle said quickly That was a very interesting report But I think we’ve heard enough fiction for today I winced just as I did every time someone called me Waldo instead of W B since W B is what I prefer to be called But then I smiled and nodded my head happy that my teacher had appreciated my report to the class about how I had spent my summer It wasn’t until I had sat back down at my desk that I realized I might have misunderstood what she’d said Wait Miss Danielle I said raising my hand Is fiction the one that is true or the one that is made up Made up Miss Danielle answered Fictional stories are made up and nonfiction stories are true Now class we will be discussing

The Splendid Baron Submarine — page 3 — But it’s not fiction I interrupted her What I said was the absolute truth And I can prove it I heard the rest of the students begin to whisper and giggle to their friends They always whispered to their friends whenever I talked about my family It used to bother me when they’d do that In fact sometimes I’d whisper along with them so I wouldn’t feel left out I’d look around and whisper long words like hasenpfeffer and sousaphone so it would seem like I had friends in class too But now I’ve sort of gotten used to the whispers as well as the names they call me and the scorpions they hide in my lunch box and the hot coals they slip into my trousers and the kid who sits behind me who occasionally decides to give me a haircut without me asking for one I suppose you can get used to just about anything if you deal with it for long enough Except maybe the hot coals I’m still not too fond of them You cannot prove a single word of your story Miss

The Splendid Baron Submarine — page 4 — Danielle told me as she went to the closet and pulled out a large cone-shaped hat because it did not happen It’s obviously a lie which you’ve made up in order to get attention Now go sit in the corner and wear the dunce cap until you’re ready to tell the truth That pointy dunce cap sure looks a lot like the hats that were worn by the ghosts who were That’s enough Waldo Baron Miss Danielle interrupted angrily stuffing my head into the dunce cap I won’t listen to any more of your ridiculous stories Go sit in the corner right now The other children laughed I walked to the corner and sat in what had become my regular seat in class while wearing what had become my regular hat I didn’t really mind wearing the dunce cap It kept my head warm and it made me a good eighteen inches taller too Plus it provided great protection for when I’d trip and land on my head which you could say I did more than the average kid As I sat in the corner I stared at the little hole in the

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