The Splendid Baron Submarine

The Splendid Baron Submarine — page 3 — But it’s not fiction I interrupted her What I said was the absolute truth And I can prove it I heard the rest of the students begin to whisper and giggle to their friends They always whispered to their friends whenever I talked about my family It used to bother me when they’d do that In fact sometimes I’d whisper along with them so I wouldn’t feel left out I’d look around and whisper long words like hasenpfeffer and sousaphone so it would seem like I had friends in class too But now I’ve sort of gotten used to the whispers as well as the names they call me and the scorpions they hide in my lunch box and the hot coals they slip into my trousers and the kid who sits behind me who occasionally decides to give me a haircut without me asking for one I suppose you can get used to just about anything if you deal with it for long enough Except maybe the hot coals I’m still not too fond of them You cannot prove a single word of your story Miss

The Splendid Baron Submarine — page 4 — Danielle told me as she went to the closet and pulled out a large cone-shaped hat because it did not happen It’s obviously a lie which you’ve made up in order to get attention Now go sit in the corner and wear the dunce cap until you’re ready to tell the truth That pointy dunce cap sure looks a lot like the hats that were worn by the ghosts who were That’s enough Waldo Baron Miss Danielle interrupted angrily stuffing my head into the dunce cap I won’t listen to any more of your ridiculous stories Go sit in the corner right now The other children laughed I walked to the corner and sat in what had become my regular seat in class while wearing what had become my regular hat I didn’t really mind wearing the dunce cap It kept my head warm and it made me a good eighteen inches taller too Plus it provided great protection for when I’d trip and land on my head which you could say I did more than the average kid As I sat in the corner I stared at the little hole in the

The Splendid Baron Submarine — page 5 — wall and waited for Howard to come out I’d recently learned that a small family of mice lived in the wall of the Pitchfork schoolhouse At first I thought that it was just one mouse which I named Howard But there are actually five different mice in there which I’ve also named Howard The Howards like to poke their heads out and stare at me while I’m sitting in the corner thinking about what I’ve done to upset Miss Danielle and the class I waved to the mousy face that poked out of the hole Howard stared at me and shook its head Howard can’t believe that I’m in trouble yet again I can’t believe it either Believe it or not I’m not actually a bad kid I just have a lot of strange adventures with my parents Sharon and McLaron Baron I call them M and P and they’re quite

The Splendid Baron Submarine — page 6 — possibly the cleverest inventors in the country as well as their assistant Rose Blackwood whose brother Benedict Blackwood is quite possibly the worst criminal in the country and my Aunt Dorcas who is quite possibly the eggiest and weepiest aunt in the country And sometimes when I try to tell people about these strange adventures they think I’m lying It’s really not my fault Miss Danielle is the one who always asks us to give reports on what we do during our holiday breaks and what our parents do for a living I just tell her the truth and then she puts the dunce cap on my head and makes me sit in the corner I suppose I could lie and tell her I do all the boring things that the other kids do with their families like shear sheep sew bonnets and plant potatoes but I don’t like to lie I’m not particularly good at lying Are you confused Alright let me give you an example Here is the report I just gave to my class about how I spent my summer vacation

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