Real Life is Stranger Than a Talking Squirrel Dream January 25th 1891 I had the talking squirrel dream again that night And for those of you wondering yes it is exactly what it sounds like In my dream I’m given a pet squirrel that can talk I have that dream a lot I can’t really say why Maybe it’s because I’m lonely Maybe it’s because I secretly wish that I had some magic in my life Or maybe it’s because I have a terrible habit of eating beans and hot chilies on fry bread with hard cheese before I go to bed at night I don’t know Actually now that I think about it it’s probably because of the cheese Anyway In my dream my Aunt Dorcas comes bursting into my room while I’m reading in my bed Hello there my little Waldo she sings in her high and wobbly voice knowing full well that I hate my first name more than I hate pickled pig’s feet for supper Your parents have a little gift for you
I roll my eyes as I bury myself underneath my cowboy novel Don’t you want to guess what it is she sings No Guess anyway she sings again Go away I’m going to keep singing until you show some interest in the surprise Lalalalaaaaaa Dooo dee doo dooooo Woah woah weee womp woooo Listening to my aunt sing is like being kicked in the head by a bull over and over again Actually no it’s worse The kick would at least knock you unconscious With Aunt Dorcas you’re forced to listen to her dreadful voice until you either run away or stuff your ears with mashed potatoes This is torture Aunt Dorcas Womp womp beee boooooo she continues to sing I can’t take it anymore Okay fine you win Please stop I say What is it What’s the surprise It’s a present from your parents for your birthday she sings She presents me with a little cage that has a sheet draped over it I
slowly get out of bed and put my cowboy novel on my nightstand I pull the sheet away and I see a squirrel sitting in the cage It’s a little grey squirrel with a puffy tail Aside from the fact that it’s wearing tiny oval-shaped reading glasses and a miniature white coat it looks like a perfectly ordinary squirrel My parents got me a squirrel for my birthday I say shaking my head in disbelief Three years ago I asked them for a dog for my birthday and they gave me a plant Two years ago I asked for a bow and arrow set and so they gave me new shoes This year I asked for a book and they gave me a squirrel They always give me the opposite of what I ask for How is a book the opposite of a squirrel Aunt Dorcas asks I don’t know It just is Here is where the dream gets weird
Happy birthday W B says the squirrel in my father’s voice I’m so shocked that the squirrel has spoken that I drop its cage onto the floor Ouch the squirrel cries rubbing its little backside W B please be more careful My bones are much more delicate now that I have a squirrel body P I gasp Is that really you I call my parents P and M instead of Pa and Ma And they call me W B instead of Waldo Baron We all sort of prefer it that way The only person who goes by their regular name is Aunt Dorcas which is odd because she has the worst name out of all of us My father the squirrel begins to explain to me how he and my mother have just completed another successful experiment which allowed them to place their minds into the bodies of other creatures Don’t you see what this means my little squirrel-father says hopping up and down with excitement It means if you’ve ever wanted to fly you can place your mind into the body of a bird If you want to swim under the sea you can place your mind into the body of a fish This is the greatest scientific breakthrough in history In history I’m so excited Would you like an acorn I ask with a grin OH MY GOODNESS I WOULD LOVE AN ACORN
