1 I wanted a dog I didn't see anything wrong with that People all over the world had dogs My best friend had one So did my worst friend A lot of people had more than one Our next door neighbors had two The family down the street had three People like dogs Why Because dogs rock They learn tricks They play games like Fetch and Tug of War and Frisbee They hang out with you They run alongside your bike They sleep at the foot of your bed They protect you and your family from intruders Some dogs even save people's lives Who wouldn't want one Dad Dogs are filthy and smelly Rufus Dad said yesterday when I asked him for the
jillionth time why I couldn't have a dog Are you capable of keeping a dog free of grime and stench Do you have that skill set You can't even remember to put your dirty clothes in the hamper I have to do it Then he shuddered Smelliness is only one of Dad's reasons why I can't ever have a dog His list is endless They whine They gnaw They scratch They bark They beg They jump up They dig They shed They slobber They drool They lick people's faces They lick themselves They lick other dogs They piddle everywhere and that includes indoors They poop everywhere including indoors
Their poop has to be scooped They eat shoes They eat mice They eat computer mice They eat dead things They eat poop Their breath smells like dead things and роор They have to be walked They have to be walked in the middle of the night They have to be walked in rain and snow and hail and sleet They stop every two seconds to sniff They tug on the leash They chase cats squirrels birds deer and other dogs They tramp mud into the house They drag dead animals into the house They infest the house with blood sucking fleas They get worms They get rabies They need shots And shots aren't free
They chase cars They get run over by cars Vet bills are expensive They eat tons of expensive dog food They must be boarded in expensive kennels when their owners go away They knock over Christmas trees They attack mail carriers They attack their owners They attack their own tails They are needy They are clingy They are high maintenance They love people who don't love them Etc Let's face it I will never get a dog not as long as I live with Dad in this clean quiet boring stupid house But just wait till I grow up Then I will have the greatest awesomest dog that ever lived and Dad won't be able to do anything about it Take that Dad But I don't want to wait till I'm grown up I want a dog now
