Guinea Dog

Guinea Dog — page 7 — Their poop has to be scooped They eat shoes They eat mice They eat computer mice They eat dead things They eat poop Their breath smells like dead things and роор They have to be walked They have to be walked in the middle of the night They have to be walked in rain and snow and hail and sleet They stop every two seconds to sniff They tug on the leash They chase cats squirrels birds deer and other dogs They tramp mud into the house They drag dead animals into the house They infest the house with blood sucking fleas They get worms They get rabies They need shots And shots aren't free

Guinea Dog — page 8 — They chase cars They get run over by cars Vet bills are expensive They eat tons of expensive dog food They must be boarded in expensive kennels when their owners go away They knock over Christmas trees They attack mail carriers They attack their owners They attack their own tails They are needy They are clingy They are high maintenance They love people who don't love them Etc Let's face it I will never get a dog not as long as I live with Dad in this clean quiet boring stupid house But just wait till I grow up Then I will have the greatest awesomest dog that ever lived and Dad won't be able to do anything about it Take that Dad But I don't want to wait till I'm grown up I want a dog now

Guinea Dog — page 9 — Mom was never any help So I didn't see how it could hurt to bug her about it again when she got home from work Her job was mixing paint at Try Your Best Hardware She'd been doing it for years and years Your dad is the one who would be with the dog all day she answered It's his call I'm afraid My dad started working at home a few months before He had taken a new job as an editor for a golf e-zine That meant that not only was he home like 24/7 but also that he did most of the housework Which was why he nagged me about my dirty clothes He had always been a pretty naggy fussy guy with all his lists of why he didn't like this or that but being at home all the time had transformed him into Super Insane Fussy Work at Home Dad Guy I'm sorry sunshine Mom said patting me on the shoulder Then suddenly she brightened up Hey How about a guinea pig This was classic Mom Lateral thinking

Guinea Dog — page 10 — she called it Thinking outside of the box If a door is slammed in your face don't stand there banging on it Don't beg someone to open it or sulk or whine or say the world isn't fair Don't be a Zax It's a character in her favorite Dr Seuss story Step aside and find another way in a different door or maybe a window Guinea pigs don't bark she explained They don't get fleas or chew things up They don't have to be walked And they bathe themselves But Mom I don't want a guinea pig A guinea pig can't learn tricks or run alongside your bike or play Tug of War or scare away intruders I want a dog She kept on smiling I don't think she heard me We should have her hearing tested I'm sure she meant well Her problem was just that she thought too laterally too outside the box Sometimes a person only wanted one particular thing and that was it There was no point in suggesting anything else For example

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