Pigeon Problems: An Urban Bird Researcher's Journal
started to bow out because HE had something called Blount’s disease Pidge this Pidge that I wanted to punch him so bad I still do But I was a lot smaller than him I still am so I just ignored the comments TJ has a rep for forgetting his homework gym shorts lunch you name it so I figured he’d forget about the stupid nickname too And he might have if it weren’t for The School Yard Incident Which is reason number three Hold on I need some creepy music the soundtrack from Jaws to get me in the mood to write about this Okay ready There I was on the playground An innocent little fifth grader patiently waiting for his favorite swing to open up Without warning something hit my shoulder It was small but still hard enough to sting At first I thought someone had chucked a pebble at me I whipped around but everyone was busy doing their own thing basketball and games of Pokémon Then I looked up There they were lined up on the
monkey bar platform right above me a fleet of pigeon bombers Every so often one of them released a small missile of pigeon poop FFFFwwweeeeeeee plop THAT’S what had landed on my shoulder The evidence was there white and watery against my dark-blue hoodie Ivy and Erica the two swing hogs saw it go down Which means that pretty soon the whole class knew about it Everyone had a good laugh even Jasmine who usually sticks up for me I was smiling along with everyone else Ha ha yeah look at my sweatshirt I acted like I didn’t care But when I pulled the sweatshirt off some of the pigeon poo smeared onto my hair and cheek In that moment I learned an important truth Pigeons are evil and they’re out to get me Seriously Here’s another important truth Poop can be a grossly funny thing as long as it’s not on you Then it’s just plain gross That was last year I’ve made a mental note to NEVER
stand near the monkey bars again But my whole class STILL calls me Pidge The fact that I have leg braces which help with my walk now makes no difference I pretend it doesn’t bother me Ha If I could vaporize all the silly stupid pigeons in New York I would Poof Gone in a cloud of feathers never to return
ready boys GET HIM Today Mr Mitts used up half of our science class to tell us about the Science Squad When he got to the part about how we could sign up and earn the chance to go on a museum overnight I had to weigh which was stronger my love for nighttime adventure or my hate for pigeons By the time Ivy passed the signup paper to me I had made up my mind I snatched the sheet out of her hand It was already almost full with names Erica Ivy Neeko Jasmine Pablo and more Everyone is going to go after that overnight prize I wrote my name in all caps on the last free line I seriously hope I don’t regret it
