Pigeon Problems: An Urban Bird Researcher's Journal
A Crazy Decision Dear Journal Today I did something I seriously hope I don’t regret I Anthony Briggs joined the Science Squad It’s a club that does citizen science which means we’re going to help real scientists answer real research questions Along the way we complete projects and earn badges that allow us to level up video-game style My first project is earning the Data Collection badge And here’s the part that just about made me fall off my seat Anyone who earns this badge moves up to the orange level AND gets to go on a museum overnight Imagine an entire night at the Museum of Natural History Talk about serious inspiration for my comics that museum has one of the greatest dinosaur collections in the world Barosaurus Allosaurus Stegosaurus you name it They even have a dinosaur mummy Not to mention that you get to wander around with the whole place to yourself in the dark with flashlights Nothing can beat it Cool right
It would be except Wait for it Our group will be studying pigeons Yup that’s right garbage-eating rat-birds Why do I hate pigeons First there’s no getting away from them No matter where you go they’re all around the city lurking on top of lampposts sitting on window ledges and hanging around the garbage cans looking for handouts The guy who wrote the children’s book Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus had it right His pigeon character is nonstop pushy We New Yorkers have a rep for being pushy but we’re nothing compared to New York pigeons Second pigeons and me have an ugly history that dates all the way back to fifth grade That was a tough year As if TJ the class bully weren’t mean enough he had to keep saying that I walk like a pigeon and calling me Pidge nonstop It’s not like I could help that my walk got all stiff and funny I’d like to see HIM handle the pain of having his shin bones grow way too fast What would he do if HIS legs
started to bow out because HE had something called Blount’s disease Pidge this Pidge that I wanted to punch him so bad I still do But I was a lot smaller than him I still am so I just ignored the comments TJ has a rep for forgetting his homework gym shorts lunch you name it so I figured he’d forget about the stupid nickname too And he might have if it weren’t for The School Yard Incident Which is reason number three Hold on I need some creepy music the soundtrack from Jaws to get me in the mood to write about this Okay ready There I was on the playground An innocent little fifth grader patiently waiting for his favorite swing to open up Without warning something hit my shoulder It was small but still hard enough to sting At first I thought someone had chucked a pebble at me I whipped around but everyone was busy doing their own thing basketball and games of Pokémon Then I looked up There they were lined up on the
monkey bar platform right above me a fleet of pigeon bombers Every so often one of them released a small missile of pigeon poop FFFFwwweeeeeeee plop THAT’S what had landed on my shoulder The evidence was there white and watery against my dark-blue hoodie Ivy and Erica the two swing hogs saw it go down Which means that pretty soon the whole class knew about it Everyone had a good laugh even Jasmine who usually sticks up for me I was smiling along with everyone else Ha ha yeah look at my sweatshirt I acted like I didn’t care But when I pulled the sweatshirt off some of the pigeon poo smeared onto my hair and cheek In that moment I learned an important truth Pigeons are evil and they’re out to get me Seriously Here’s another important truth Poop can be a grossly funny thing as long as it’s not on you Then it’s just plain gross That was last year I’ve made a mental note to NEVER
