sesame-seed-free and sesame seeds make Bradley’s tongue itch And I remember Svetlana’s vacuuming because we had to turn the volume way up to hear the Smarty Pants theme song It has a head-bopping calypso beat and is one of the best parts of the show Actually all the parts of Smarty Pants are kind of the best For one thing the host Mitch O’Toole is what my used-to-be neighbor Momo would call a real card That’s an old-person way of saying totally unique out there and one of a kind His hair is twice the size of his head he makes puns so bad they make my dad’s jokes seem funny and he wears a different tie every single episode each one crazier than the last Second kids can learn so much from tuning in to Smarty Pants For example 1 How many hearts does an octopus have Is it A 0 B 1 C 3 or D 9 2 Which country is the world’s leading banana grower Is it A the United States B India C Denmark or D Argentina 3 How long does a solar eclipse last Is it A 7 seconds B 7 minutes C 7 hours or D 7 days 12
Among zillions of other facts kids who watch Smarty Pants would know that the answers are B B and B But without a doubt what makes Smarty Pants the hands-down best game show on TV is that to win it kids need to be so much more than smart They also need to be fast fit and fearless because the contestants never know what’s going to get thrown at them sometimes literally That afternoon as the theme song ended Bradley and I both leaned forward so we wouldn’t miss a word What’s on his tie today Bradley squinted Are those aliens I think they’re palm trees The camera finally zoomed in Broccoli we both said at the same time Hello kids and welcome to another episode of Mitch O’Toole cupped a hand around one ear and leaned toward the audience members waiting for it SMARTY PANTS they yelled at the top of their lungs This was followed by lots of screaming and high-fiving Meanwhile the contestants stood bright-eyed and beaming on glistening golden 13
podiums Each was covered from head to toe in a shiny silver outfit called a Smart Suit Finally Mitch got the crowd under control And now without further ado it’s time for our first challenge BA-RUMP-A-BUM-BUM The challenge music played and the curtains behind the contestants parted with a velvety swish Today’s first category is The Natural World and the topic is Wetlands Mitch said Then with a big wink he added Try not to get bogged down by it kids The studio audience groaned Oh man Bradley nibbled nervously on a sesame-free cracker This one’s gonna be messy He was right The parted curtains had revealed a giant pit filled with what looked like mud Hop in kids Mitch instructed the contestants And don’t forget your safety goggles As you answer questions you’ll wade through this shoulder-deep mud If you reach the finish line before the buzzer sounds you’ll score five points But for each incorrect answer He trailed off ominously Well we’ll just have to see what the swamp has in store 14
The starting bell sounded and the camera came in for a close-up as the kids lowered themselves into the mud It looked like chocolate pudding mixed with cat litter Kathy Mitch said to one contestant are you ready for your first question Kathy had blonde hair that was sticking out the front of her Smart Suit hood It was so long it was already trailing in the mud I’m ready Mitch she answered pumping one fist in the air to show how excited she was Her friends in the studio audience went wild To which group of animals do frogs belong Are they A amphibians B mammals C reptiles or D Homo sapiens Oh please I shouted at the TV That’s so easy Amphibians Amphibians the girl answered There was a dinging sound to let everyone know that she was right The next girl correctly answered a question about blue herons and the girl after that knew a lot about the breeding habits of mosquitoes The first boy contestant wasn’t nearly as quick 15
