1 The BIG News Here’s a question for you True or false Cats are more intelligent than dogs If you ask me the answer is true but it’s tricky because it depends on what you mean by intelligent Take Cat for example the computerized cat hero of the comic book series I’ve been writing since I was seven No she can’t be trained to roll over fetch a toy or shake a paw like a dog can but aren’t those activities kind of pointless when you really stop to think about it Fetch kitty If t h a t t a s t e l e s s rubber hamburger is S O g r e a t w h y d o n’t y o u go get it buddy 10
Plus refusing to hunt down a squeaky hamburger toy on command doesn’t mean she’s not intelligent It just means she’s a master of strategy She knows when to put her impressive intelligence state-of-the-art circuitry and unstoppable cuteness to use And for better or worse she can even be a little bit cunning and dare I say catty if that’s what it takes to win Which now that I think about it reminds me of what happened when Smarty Pants the world’s best TV quiz show for kids came to town Ever since my dad got a job working afternoons at the H H hardware store I’d been going to my best friend Bradley’s house after school We were in his living room when we heard the incredible news that our all-time-favorite TV quiz show would be filming in our area It was four o’clock on the dot and we were secretly eating more Wheat Yummies crackers and cheese while Bradley’s nanny Svetlana was in the dining room vacuuming up the crumbs from our first snack of Wheat Yummies crackers and cheese I remember the crackers because we always ate Wheat Yummies They were guaranteed 11
sesame-seed-free and sesame seeds make Bradley’s tongue itch And I remember Svetlana’s vacuuming because we had to turn the volume way up to hear the Smarty Pants theme song It has a head-bopping calypso beat and is one of the best parts of the show Actually all the parts of Smarty Pants are kind of the best For one thing the host Mitch O’Toole is what my used-to-be neighbor Momo would call a real card That’s an old-person way of saying totally unique out there and one of a kind His hair is twice the size of his head he makes puns so bad they make my dad’s jokes seem funny and he wears a different tie every single episode each one crazier than the last Second kids can learn so much from tuning in to Smarty Pants For example 1 How many hearts does an octopus have Is it A 0 B 1 C 3 or D 9 2 Which country is the world’s leading banana grower Is it A the United States B India C Denmark or D Argentina 3 How long does a solar eclipse last Is it A 7 seconds B 7 minutes C 7 hours or D 7 days 12
Among zillions of other facts kids who watch Smarty Pants would know that the answers are B B and B But without a doubt what makes Smarty Pants the hands-down best game show on TV is that to win it kids need to be so much more than smart They also need to be fast fit and fearless because the contestants never know what’s going to get thrown at them sometimes literally That afternoon as the theme song ended Bradley and I both leaned forward so we wouldn’t miss a word What’s on his tie today Bradley squinted Are those aliens I think they’re palm trees The camera finally zoomed in Broccoli we both said at the same time Hello kids and welcome to another episode of Mitch O’Toole cupped a hand around one ear and leaned toward the audience members waiting for it SMARTY PANTS they yelled at the top of their lungs This was followed by lots of screaming and high-fiving Meanwhile the contestants stood bright-eyed and beaming on glistening golden 13
