podiums Each was covered from head to toe in a shiny silver outfit called a Smart Suit Finally Mitch got the crowd under control And now without further ado it’s time for our first challenge BA-RUMP-A-BUM-BUM The challenge music played and the curtains behind the contestants parted with a velvety swish Today’s first category is The Natural World and the topic is Wetlands Mitch said Then with a big wink he added Try not to get bogged down by it kids The studio audience groaned Oh man Bradley nibbled nervously on a sesame-free cracker This one’s gonna be messy He was right The parted curtains had revealed a giant pit filled with what looked like mud Hop in kids Mitch instructed the contestants And don’t forget your safety goggles As you answer questions you’ll wade through this shoulder-deep mud If you reach the finish line before the buzzer sounds you’ll score five points But for each incorrect answer He trailed off ominously Well we’ll just have to see what the swamp has in store 14
The starting bell sounded and the camera came in for a close-up as the kids lowered themselves into the mud It looked like chocolate pudding mixed with cat litter Kathy Mitch said to one contestant are you ready for your first question Kathy had blonde hair that was sticking out the front of her Smart Suit hood It was so long it was already trailing in the mud I’m ready Mitch she answered pumping one fist in the air to show how excited she was Her friends in the studio audience went wild To which group of animals do frogs belong Are they A amphibians B mammals C reptiles or D Homo sapiens Oh please I shouted at the TV That’s so easy Amphibians Amphibians the girl answered There was a dinging sound to let everyone know that she was right The next girl correctly answered a question about blue herons and the girl after that knew a lot about the breeding habits of mosquitoes The first boy contestant wasn’t nearly as quick 15
and clever though Toby Mitch said peat is commonly found in bogs But what is peat exactly Is it A an accumulation of partially decayed vegetation B a type of moss C an important source of fuel in some parts of the world or D all of the above The boy didn’t even stop to think which is a fatal mistake in Smarty Pants especially when you get a question with an all of the above option At least half the time that’s the right one to choose The answer’s B Mitch he proclaimed A type of moss BZZZZZT The wrong-answer buzzer went off I bet they’re going to throw rubber frogs at him Bradley said It was a good guess But what the bog had in store was much muckier A huge gush of the same gross mixture fell from above splashing onto the kid’s head and coating him so thickly you could hardly see his Smart Suit anymore Ooooooh Bradley and I both shouted at the same time I’m sorry Toby It looks like you’ve been swamp slimed Mitch said The audience laughed as Toby 16
wiped his goggles clean on the sleeve of his Smart Suit The correct answer was D all of the above Of course it was I groaned Now it’s time for our first commercial break Mitch went on Don’t move a muscle kids We’ll be riiiiiiight back And that was when it happened Svetlana turned off the vacuum cleaner sending a hush through Bradley’s house and at the same moment Smarty Pants cut to a pretaped segment and Mitch O’Toole spoke the single most exciting sentence I had ever heard in my entire life With the TV volume still turned all the way up his words echoed off Bradley’s living room walls Are you a fourth-grader living in the Gleason area 17
