How to Stage a Catastrophe

How to Stage a Catastrophe — page 5 — books of Zap Zapter he decided he needed to give himself a good memorable name I thought he had a pretty good name to start with but it’s not my decision May is going to be sorry she was so mean to Folly when he strikes it rich and he drives his raspberry-colored Chrysler LeBaron with the top down to the opening night of my latest Broadway show Folly doesn’t have a Chrysler LeBaron but it’s on his executive list His Pap-Pap drives one and he’s on the board of the Gainesville African-American Chamber of Commerce and owns all the Shop Fast grocery stores in Alachua County Good morning May says Folly in his deepest voice He smiles and I can tell he wants her to see he doesn’t have donut sprinkles in his teeth I’m starting my newest business enterprise today Folly’s been starting business enterprises since the day he tried to sell his finger painted self-portrait to his own mother in kindergarten That’s how she tells it Folly says he was just trying to get her in on a good investment while prices were low May goes back a step and takes us both in As long as I still get that dozen eggs Bow Tie I don’t care what you do May just can’t be decent I told her not to call Folly that but Folly said he’d wear that bow tie every day of his life if she wanted him to Not out loud but down in his heart I could tell that’s what he was saying Besides he’s convinced he’s going to earn Zap Zapter’s Golden Bow Tie Award one day which is kind of like the business version of getting a gold star on your math test He says wearing a bow tie reminds him of his purpose in life So besides being a fifteen-year-old tyrant May is the meringue queen Don’t ask me why but that’s the only kind of food she likes to make Pure sugar and egg whites with one tiny chocolate chip right on top Whatever eggs I get from Mr Jameson for cleaning his chicken coop go right to her and she goes right to the kitchen and by the time I get there there’s nothing left but a bowl of yolk She doesn’t even eat meringues Too much sugar Whenever she makes them she hops on her bike with a whole basket of them and rides off like she’s delivering human organs and she doesn’t want the ice to melt I don’t know where she goes but May wouldn’t ride a bike in this heat for just any reason I tried following her once but when she turned out of our neighborhood onto Longleaf Parkway toward town I lost my nerve That’s a long straight road and she would have

How to Stage a Catastrophe — page 6 — seen me behind her Actually Folly says pulling at his bow tie again me and Sid are going into business together We’re expanding from agricultural products into uh into other lines We are This is a surprise to me since I can’t really say I’m in the agricultural product business Unless you count chicken poop as a product and I don’t know if you can count that I wouldn’t We are I’m hoping Folly’s new scheme goes better than the one he tried last summer His Pap-Pap used to sell newspapers when he was a kid and Folly figured it was his duty to follow in his footsteps But newspaper companies don’t pay kids to deliver the papers anymore Folly bought some for a quarter each and then set up a table in front of his house He charged forty cents because as he says you have to make a profit But you can’t make a profit if no one buys anything from you He sold one to his mom and one to Gram and that was the end of that Before I can find out more about this business enterprise we’re starting the scene gets a little busier My little sister Penelope is the next one onstage She’s still got her PJs on and her pirate patch over her left eye That means she’s found treasure She’s been wearing it over her left eye a lot lately As small as she is she looks like about half a pirate that’s all Actually with her hair in a little pink bow right on top of her head she looks like this Yorkie dog I saw on a box of dog biscuits at the Pet Palace Only I’d never say so because I don’t want to get bit She opens her mouth to say something but I cut her off No I haven’t done Mr Jameson’s chickens yet You’ll get your feather when I’m done Pen the Half-Pirate is forever gathering feathers and things and burying them out in the woods like treasure You might think she’d dig up some dangerous stuff since this used to be a military base but where we live was the old family housing area The rest of the base is being turned into a business park or something which makes Folly’s heart flutter just like his eyelashes Pen peers at me with her one good eye and gets a slice of bread from the fridge She chews it ten times each bite That’s something Gram said is good for the digestion Does

How to Stage a Catastrophe — page 7 — that mean donuts are good for the digestion too I don’t think Gram would steer me wrong She’s the one who told me to brush my teeth with baking soda to get them sparkly white for when I’m a real director Now May’s glaring at us like a rain cloud with a grudge and Folly pulls at his tie again It’s a regular Folly trademark I’m about to run for it but long-fingered May yanks me by the collar You didn’t think people really did that did you But May’s got real theatrical flair She holds on to me like we’re doing one of Ruben’s theater exercises the one where you have to do a whole scene without ever letting go of your partner You’d better work as fast as you can When you’re done we’re driving down to the theater for my rehearsal Her rehearsal Every kid in the company is rehearsing something for the variety show fundraiser tonight but to hear May you wouldn’t think anything else was going on besides her love affair with the spotlight She won’t even call it the Juicebox anymore because she says that makes it sound like a place for babies I wriggle free from May’s pincers I’m good at that So what’s our newest business I start to say to Folly but May cuts me off Sidney Horatio Camazzola I’m going to stuff your ugly head in a basket and throw you out the front door if you don’t get over to Mr Jameson’s house before I count to three-quarters One-quarter But you wouldn’t hurt a poor orphan would you Ruben gave us that scene to practice last week Sidney and you were terrible at it then too Two-quarters That’s one-half May You could’ve just said one-half Three And I am gone But not because I really think May’s going to have any luck trying get this head inside a basket orphan or not I’m wilier than any basket ever made I leave double fast because I want to eat my leftover karaoke pink-sprinkle donut in peace and where there is May there is never any peace

How to Stage a Catastrophe — page 8 — You might be wondering why I didn’t say a word about any karaoke machine during that whole scene if that was supposed to be the main point Well you just weren’t looking It’s called internal motivation I was thinking about it the whole time If this was a real play I would’ve given you a playbill at the start of it It’s got advertising and stuff in it and it tells you about the play the director and the cast So why don’t you take a look at the playbill now while I’m walking over to Mr Jameson’s

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