How to Stage a Catastrophe

How to Stage a Catastrophe — page 3 — Act I SCENE ONE In a play every scene is supposed to have some kind of point to it Like a major thing happens or some really important secret is revealed In this scene I’m trying to figure out how to earn enough money to buy a karaoke machine Also every scene has a setting Right now it’s my kitchen but we’ll change the set later so you can see other stuff like all the brown and tan houses on Hatahatchee Street which is where I live now It used to be part of an Air Force base but when they shut down the base they sold the houses and left a hundred and twenty-two gallons of brown and tan paint in the garage of the house that we bought Now when someone needs a touch-up on their paint job they call my dad Everyone’s got a brown or tan house around here Only Mr Jameson’s house next door is yellow but that believe it or not is a sad story Picture an empty stage Now that stage can’t stay empty because no one’s going to sit around and watch that forever So you see a kid that’s me coming on from stage right That’s your left if you’re in the audience This kid me is in his kitchen on a Saturday morning in June I’m not really an actor though Think of me as the director here so when the doorbell rings in a second and my best friend Folly shows up with his dog Francolina it’s because I told him to That’s what it means to be the director You get to figure out all the blocking which means you tell everyone where to go onstage That’s why one day I’m going to do like Ruben does at the Juicebox and direct real plays He says maybe after seventh grade I can be his assistant director Right now I just handle all the props Picture a freestanding door off to stage left that’s right to you and there’s another kid and a scruffy-looking orange dog sorry Frankie standing there The kid’s looking all businesslike which is represented by the bow tie clipped to his shirt and by the briefcase He’s also looking kind of sick with love which is represented by the heavy

How to Stage a Catastrophe — page 4 — sighs and this dreamy fluttery thing he’s doing with his eyelashes The flutters are for my sister May I open the door and Folly practically falls into me He recovers himself like a pro You ready to go to Mr J s We have some business next door in Mr Jameson’s chicken coop Folly collects the eggs every day and on Saturdays he sells them around the neighborhood while I clean out the coop In a second I say Come and have an old donut Folly straightens his bow tie Not if you paid me to A man’s body is like a bank vault Whatever he puts in there is being saved up for later Zap Zapter I guess Zap Zapter writes these books Folly loves about business and selling stuff and How to Live Right They’re full of strategies and acronyms and all kinds of motivational sayings Folly’s read dozens of them even the ones from twenty years ago that he’s picked up at yard sales He’s probably memorized every word in them which means he’s got something to say for every situation That can come in handy TZK says Folly The Zap Knows That’s one of his favorite acronyms And you can’t ever doubt the wisdom of Zap Zapter if Folly’s less than nine miles away I pick up a pink-sprinkle donut from the box that Gram brought home from karaoke night at the Pick n Play I guess Dad got hold of the box because he’ll eat any donut besides the ones with sprinkles I’m about to take a bite when wouldn’t you know it here comes May Everyone says May is beautiful and she might be I don’t pay attention to that kind of thing I was supposed to write a poem about her for Family Week in fifth grade but all I could write was She’s got eyes like a hundred dewdrops and long long fingers for getting into other people’s business Sidney May says and she drifts over to me on a little cloud of fluffy slippers I don’t know what you and Orpheus are doing in this kitchen with that ratty orange dog and donut sprinkles in your teeth but you’d better not be cooking up any dumb schemes You have real work to do Folly’s real name is Orpheus but after reading the one hundred and twenty-seven

How to Stage a Catastrophe — page 5 — books of Zap Zapter he decided he needed to give himself a good memorable name I thought he had a pretty good name to start with but it’s not my decision May is going to be sorry she was so mean to Folly when he strikes it rich and he drives his raspberry-colored Chrysler LeBaron with the top down to the opening night of my latest Broadway show Folly doesn’t have a Chrysler LeBaron but it’s on his executive list His Pap-Pap drives one and he’s on the board of the Gainesville African-American Chamber of Commerce and owns all the Shop Fast grocery stores in Alachua County Good morning May says Folly in his deepest voice He smiles and I can tell he wants her to see he doesn’t have donut sprinkles in his teeth I’m starting my newest business enterprise today Folly’s been starting business enterprises since the day he tried to sell his finger painted self-portrait to his own mother in kindergarten That’s how she tells it Folly says he was just trying to get her in on a good investment while prices were low May goes back a step and takes us both in As long as I still get that dozen eggs Bow Tie I don’t care what you do May just can’t be decent I told her not to call Folly that but Folly said he’d wear that bow tie every day of his life if she wanted him to Not out loud but down in his heart I could tell that’s what he was saying Besides he’s convinced he’s going to earn Zap Zapter’s Golden Bow Tie Award one day which is kind of like the business version of getting a gold star on your math test He says wearing a bow tie reminds him of his purpose in life So besides being a fifteen-year-old tyrant May is the meringue queen Don’t ask me why but that’s the only kind of food she likes to make Pure sugar and egg whites with one tiny chocolate chip right on top Whatever eggs I get from Mr Jameson for cleaning his chicken coop go right to her and she goes right to the kitchen and by the time I get there there’s nothing left but a bowl of yolk She doesn’t even eat meringues Too much sugar Whenever she makes them she hops on her bike with a whole basket of them and rides off like she’s delivering human organs and she doesn’t want the ice to melt I don’t know where she goes but May wouldn’t ride a bike in this heat for just any reason I tried following her once but when she turned out of our neighborhood onto Longleaf Parkway toward town I lost my nerve That’s a long straight road and she would have

How to Stage a Catastrophe — page 6 — seen me behind her Actually Folly says pulling at his bow tie again me and Sid are going into business together We’re expanding from agricultural products into uh into other lines We are This is a surprise to me since I can’t really say I’m in the agricultural product business Unless you count chicken poop as a product and I don’t know if you can count that I wouldn’t We are I’m hoping Folly’s new scheme goes better than the one he tried last summer His Pap-Pap used to sell newspapers when he was a kid and Folly figured it was his duty to follow in his footsteps But newspaper companies don’t pay kids to deliver the papers anymore Folly bought some for a quarter each and then set up a table in front of his house He charged forty cents because as he says you have to make a profit But you can’t make a profit if no one buys anything from you He sold one to his mom and one to Gram and that was the end of that Before I can find out more about this business enterprise we’re starting the scene gets a little busier My little sister Penelope is the next one onstage She’s still got her PJs on and her pirate patch over her left eye That means she’s found treasure She’s been wearing it over her left eye a lot lately As small as she is she looks like about half a pirate that’s all Actually with her hair in a little pink bow right on top of her head she looks like this Yorkie dog I saw on a box of dog biscuits at the Pet Palace Only I’d never say so because I don’t want to get bit She opens her mouth to say something but I cut her off No I haven’t done Mr Jameson’s chickens yet You’ll get your feather when I’m done Pen the Half-Pirate is forever gathering feathers and things and burying them out in the woods like treasure You might think she’d dig up some dangerous stuff since this used to be a military base but where we live was the old family housing area The rest of the base is being turned into a business park or something which makes Folly’s heart flutter just like his eyelashes Pen peers at me with her one good eye and gets a slice of bread from the fridge She chews it ten times each bite That’s something Gram said is good for the digestion Does

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