was back before I found out about a certain shortcut through a cave One day the Underworld sky was particularly gloomy A crew of carpenter ghosts was working on my palace Villa Pluto They were hammering and sawing and drilling Cerberus was only a little three-headed guard puppy back then and the noise was driving him crazy He was barking his heads off I had to get out of there I clipped my Helmet of Darkness to my girdle old speak for belt The helmet had been a gift from my Cyclopes uncles When I put it on POOF I disappeared I walked Cerbie out to the stables and asked a couple of groom ghosts to look after him Then I backed one of my chariots out of the garage hitched up my steeds Harley and Davidson and drove up to earth I got there nine days later I took Harley and Davidson straight to the Asopus River to give them a drink And there on the riverbank I spied two Titans Prometheus and Epimetheus better known as Epi They were sitting beside the river What were they doing I couldn’t quite see But Prometheus was always doing something interesting He could see into the future And he was brainy Even Athena the goddess of wisdom was impressed I had to go check out what he was up to now so after my steeds had drunk their fill I steered them toward the Titans Epi heard me coming and looked up He was the handsome brother with his head of dark curls and his wide brown eyes Hades he called with a wave I stepped out of my chariot and walked over to the Titans They were molding figures out of the riverbank clay We haven’t seen you since the kickstone battle ended Hades Epi said You know the one where we Titans played against you gods to see who got to live up on
Mount Olympus The one that got so totally out of hand that it wiped out almost all the creatures and old mortals who lived on earth I remember I told him Did he think I could forget taking part in a battle that lasted for ten years Besides many of those mortals called Old Ones were ghosts now They lived down in my kingdom Epi was the sweetest guy in the world But I wondered if he was all that bright Prometheus never even looked up He stayed bent over concentrating on his work Look what Prometheus and I are making said Epi Aren’t they great Dozens of half-finished clay figures were scattered around Epi I’d never seen anything quite like them What are they I asked Animals said Epi He patted one I think I’ll call this a baboon To my great surprise the clay figure moved Whoa I said How did you do that It’s the clay here said Epi Still has lots of sparks in it from the Chaos days He turned back and studied the baboon I can’t give you the gift of speed he told it I already gave that to the cheetah I can’t give you the gift of swimming upstream I gave that to the salmon And the owl got the gift of smarts Let me see what I can find He put his hand into a big clay pot and drew out a small piece of parchment Oh this is a good gift He waved his free hand over the baboon and chanted I give you the gift of fast tree climbing With that the animal turned from a clay figure into a creature with bushy fur It sprinted away I caught a flash of its bright red rear end as it scampered up the nearest tree
Nice backside huh said Epi I get a little far out and artistic sometimes But I can’t help it I have to express myself He smiled up at me sweetly Zeus told us to do this Hades After the big battle he wanted Prometheus and me to make lots of new kinds of creatures to live on the earth He gave us this big pot of gifts to give them too I can make a couple dozen creatures a day no problem But Prometheus is really slow He’s only done one Two said Prometheus He wasn’t nearly as good-looking as his brother But he was ten times smarter He patted the figure he’d been working on It began to move but its color stayed the light brown of the clay I gasped when I saw what he had made It looks like you Prometheus I exclaimed It does doesn’t it the Titan said happily It’s a mini Prometheus said Epi A Mini P I spotted the second Mini P Prometheus beamed with pride at his new creations What gift shall we give them Epi he asked Hmm let’s see Epi scratched his head He looks like he could use a super sense of smell Oops Wait I gave that to the bloodhound already Okay what about the ability to jump a hundred times his own height He slapped his forehead What am I thinking Gave that gift to the flea Hurry up Epi said Prometheus They’re getting cold Can you give them something to keep them warm Epi frowned That might be tricky I gave the wolf the gift of warm fur The mink
got the gift of soft fur The raccoon got the gift of thick fur The skunk got the gift of black-and-white-striped fur He smiled There was a bonus gift on that piece of parchment A second gift of this amazing scent gland Stinks to high Mount Olympus He began picking pieces of parchment from the pot looking at them and tossing them back After a while he shrugged Sorry Prometheus But all the keeping-warm-with fur gifts are gone Epi said Prometheus You didn’t think ahead You’ve given all the good gifts to the creatures Now there aren’t any left for the mortals I’m making Sorry Prometheus mumbled Epi You’re right as usual Just then I heard thundering hooves Careening down the riverbank toward us at breakneck speed was a chariot decorated with glittering lightning bolts Who’s that asked Epi Who would drive a chariot that gaudy I asked Nobody but the Ruler of the Universe my conniving baby brother Zeus Zeus I thought about putting on my Helmet of Darkness and simply vanishing But I was too late The old myth-o-maniac had already spotted me
