We have to go back for this story Way back to the start of everything There was no Earth There was no sky no sun no day no night no winter no spring and for sure no summer vacation There was only Chaos great swirling masses of matter But inside that matter were the little sparks of all future life The first life to show up out of the Chaos was my granny Mother Earth otherwise known as Mama Gaia Then came Night Love Day and the Sea Finally my grandpa Uranus also known as Sky Daddy showed up He went bonkers over Mama Gaia and the two of them got married Then those sparks of life really started flying Together Mama Gaia and Sky Daddy had bunches of giant children the Cyclopes the Hundred Handed Ones and the Titans Cronus was the youngest Titan and Mama Gaia spoiled him rotten In time Cronus bullied his way to the top and took over the universe He married the Titaness Rhea and they became the parents of us gods Rhea was a great mom still is But Cronus was not exactly a candidate for Father of the Year For one thing he swallowed his kids No joke Only Zeus escaped that fate Finally Mom came to our rescue She fed Dad some
herbs that made him burp us up After a time we gods rebelled against Dad That led to us fighting a huge battle with the Titans It was an awful destructive war And what war isn’t Trees were pulled up by their roots Hills were flattened like pancakes Most of the mortals living on earth at the time were wiped out Most of the creatures too But in the end we gods beat the Titans Then it was our turn to rule That’s when my little brother you-know-who lied swindled and cheated his way into becoming Ruler of the Universe I’m the oldest god It really should be me sitting on that throne up on Mount Olympus But hey I’m not bitter about it In fact I prefer ruling the Underworld After the war Cronus and some of his thug Titan buddies ended up doing time in the Underworld slammer But not all Titans fought with Cronus The ones who didn’t were still around Hyperion was the Titan in charge of all the light in the universe When we gods took over he was out of a job so he made a major career switch and became a cattle rancher in the Underworld The Titaness Metis stayed on earth Zeus had a major crush on her The Titan twins Prometheus and Epimetheus lived on earth too I guess you could say the story of Pandora starts with these two brothers Back then I hadn’t been ruler of the Underworld very long I didn’t have a TV So I had no Earth Channel or HB-Olympus I had no way of knowing what was going on in the realms above the Underworld except to go up and see for myself Going to earth on a regular basis was out of the question It was a nine-day trip I couldn’t astro-travel That’s a little thing we gods can do when we want to go instantly from one place to another We chant a spell and ZIP We’re there Sad to say the Underworld is one of the very few places in the whole universe where astro-traveling doesn’t work And this
was back before I found out about a certain shortcut through a cave One day the Underworld sky was particularly gloomy A crew of carpenter ghosts was working on my palace Villa Pluto They were hammering and sawing and drilling Cerberus was only a little three-headed guard puppy back then and the noise was driving him crazy He was barking his heads off I had to get out of there I clipped my Helmet of Darkness to my girdle old speak for belt The helmet had been a gift from my Cyclopes uncles When I put it on POOF I disappeared I walked Cerbie out to the stables and asked a couple of groom ghosts to look after him Then I backed one of my chariots out of the garage hitched up my steeds Harley and Davidson and drove up to earth I got there nine days later I took Harley and Davidson straight to the Asopus River to give them a drink And there on the riverbank I spied two Titans Prometheus and Epimetheus better known as Epi They were sitting beside the river What were they doing I couldn’t quite see But Prometheus was always doing something interesting He could see into the future And he was brainy Even Athena the goddess of wisdom was impressed I had to go check out what he was up to now so after my steeds had drunk their fill I steered them toward the Titans Epi heard me coming and looked up He was the handsome brother with his head of dark curls and his wide brown eyes Hades he called with a wave I stepped out of my chariot and walked over to the Titans They were molding figures out of the riverbank clay We haven’t seen you since the kickstone battle ended Hades Epi said You know the one where we Titans played against you gods to see who got to live up on
Mount Olympus The one that got so totally out of hand that it wiped out almost all the creatures and old mortals who lived on earth I remember I told him Did he think I could forget taking part in a battle that lasted for ten years Besides many of those mortals called Old Ones were ghosts now They lived down in my kingdom Epi was the sweetest guy in the world But I wondered if he was all that bright Prometheus never even looked up He stayed bent over concentrating on his work Look what Prometheus and I are making said Epi Aren’t they great Dozens of half-finished clay figures were scattered around Epi I’d never seen anything quite like them What are they I asked Animals said Epi He patted one I think I’ll call this a baboon To my great surprise the clay figure moved Whoa I said How did you do that It’s the clay here said Epi Still has lots of sparks in it from the Chaos days He turned back and studied the baboon I can’t give you the gift of speed he told it I already gave that to the cheetah I can’t give you the gift of swimming upstream I gave that to the salmon And the owl got the gift of smarts Let me see what I can find He put his hand into a big clay pot and drew out a small piece of parchment Oh this is a good gift He waved his free hand over the baboon and chanted I give you the gift of fast tree climbing With that the animal turned from a clay figure into a creature with bushy fur It sprinted away I caught a flash of its bright red rear end as it scampered up the nearest tree
