The goddess nodded Can you give me a lift she asked I mean you don’t have to if it’s too much trouble but I really do need a ride Okay I said I hope it isn’t too far though because I have to get back to the Underworld and walk my dog The Underworld The goddess gasped and stepped closer to me She smelled just like a flower herself You live in the Underworld I nodded I’m Hades I rule the place And you are Oh The goddess clasped her hands together I’ve never met anyone who’s actually been to the Underworld and now here I am meeting the king I am so excited I’m Persephone by the way goddess of spring Maybe you’ve heard of me I hadn’t but it seemed rude to say so Before I could say anything a loud ringing filled the air Persephone reached into her purse and pulled out the tiniest little telephone I’d ever seen She held it to her ear Hello she said sweetly Then she sighed and said What now Mom Persephone listened as her mother talked for several minutes She looked at me and rolled her eyes Every once in a while she said Uh-huh Uh-huh At last she said I’m fine Mom You have to stop calling me every two minutes I can’t take it anymore I’ll call you later She hit a button on the phone Ohhhhh Why can’t Mom see that I’m a grown goddess now I don’t need her to be hovering over me every second Right I said Can I see your phone We gods had invented all sorts of cool gadgets thousands of years before you mortals ever thought of them but I’d never seen a
little phone like Persephone’s Where were the cords The plugs The wires Persephone tossed it to me It was made of shiny brass A little copper rod stuck out of its top But that was it No wires How does it work I asked Who knows Persephone shrugged It’s my purse phone Mom invented it to keep tabs on me She sighed I’d like to toss it off a cliff but Mom would just think up something even worse to keep track of me I gave the phone back and Persephone slipped it into her purse Well if you still need a ride I said I have a better idea Persephone’s eyes sparkled I’d love to see the Underworld How about taking me down and giving me a tour Can’t do it I said No visitors are allowed in the Underworld Persephone pulled a jar out of her picnic basket She popped off the top and held it out to me Mmmmmm Something smelled divine Pretty please Persephone said With ambrosia dill pickles on top I stared at that pickle jar I was ready for a little ambrosia pick-me-up We gods need to eat ambrosia and drink nectar pretty regularly to boost our immortality Oh we’d still live forever without them but we’d look all shrunken and withered By themselves ambrosia and nectar are very sweet but tasty mortal food laced with a dollop of ambrosia Yum I was ready to make the deal Harley whinnied then and the sound brought me back to my senses Not even for a pickle I told her Impossible I watched sadly as the jar disappeared back into the picnic basket
But why asked Persephone I mean just for a quick little visit She began wheedling and pacing and more pink clover sprang up beneath her footsteps Oh come on Hades I’ve heard about the mysterious Underworld forever but no one I know has seen it It would be so cool if I could be the first one to take a peek I shook my head Why not Persephone asked The only ones who can enter my kingdom easily are the ghosts of dead mortals I explained I have this guard dog Cerberus He’d rip a living mortal to pieces if one tried to get through the Gates of the Underworld He might do the same to a god or goddess I added to discourage her But I don’t know for sure because they’d have to hike for nine days and nine nights to get to my kingdom and the Olympians aren’t exactly into hiking Persephone put her hands on her hips Are you trying to tell me that it takes you nine days and nights to get home Not me I admitted I know a shortcut Are you the only one who knows it Persephone sure asked a lot of questions But I figured there was no real harm in answering this one No I said Hermes guides the ghosts of the dead down to the Underworld so I let him in on it too But what happens when you give a party Persephone asked A party I exclaimed I never give parties Ever Persephone seemed to light up An Underworld party she exclaimed Now that
is a great idea The very thought of a party in my kingdom made me shudder Gods and goddesses showing up and sloshing nectar punch all over my palace Loud music Dancing Ugh Suddenly Persephone’s phone rang again Her smile faded as she groped in her purse Is that your mom I asked happy to change the subject Probably Persephone answered grimly Of course Mom didn’t let me get caller ID so I never know for sure She put the phone up to her ear Hello The expression on her face told me that it was her mom Persephone was pretty cute as goddesses go but I had to get back to my duties in the Underworld Cerberus would be wondering where I was and my staff would expect me to make my usual rounds of the kingdom It was time for me to get going I wasn’t worried about not giving Persephone a ride She was a goddess after all and could astro-travel anywhere she wanted to go I wished I’d thought to bring my Helmet of Darkness with me When I put it on POOF I’m invisible Me and anything I’m carrying It would have been a dramatic way to make my exit But I didn’t have the helmet so I just mouthed Gotta go and waved to Persephone She waved back and kept talking into her purse phone I jumped into my chariot picked up the reins and gave a gentle tap to Harley and Davidson That’s another lie from my myth-o-maniac brother Zeus I would never whip my steeds Off they galloped It doesn’t take me nine days and nine nights to get home But still it’s a long hard trip down steep slopes around scary curves and hairpin turns It’s an exciting ride but it
