For me the Underworld was perfect My brothers and sisters would never visit me because they’d have to walk for days and days to get here It was the only place in the universe that gods couldn’t simply chant the astro-traveling spell and ZIP show up The Underworld was private It was quiet It was home But every once in a while I needed a change of scenery One thing I liked to do was hitch my steeds Harley and Davidson to my chariot and gallop up to earth to catch a wrestling match The mortals in Athens a city in Greece were wild about wrestling in those days Since I’d competed in wrestling in the very first Olympic Games the Athenians treated me like a champ They even gave me free seats in their new wrestling stadium fourth-row center One day I saw a great match between Eagle-Eye Cyclops and Hot-Mouth Chimera I had three uncles who were Cyclopes and I always rooted for their wrestling relatives I put my money on Eagle Eye who defeated the firebreathing Chimera I won a bundle Afterward I left the stadium tipped the valet-parking mortal jumped into my chariot and took off down the main street of Athens It had changed quite a bit over the past few hundred years Where once there had been only a few goat cheese and fig stands now enterprising mortals had set up new shops Demetri’s Sandal Repair Sea Nymph Bait and Tackle and even Ari’s Speedy Wedding Chapel with a sign that read GOT X MINUTES GET MARRIED HERE Why anyone would want to do such a thing I had no idea My little brother Zeus
had been married seven times and counting But me I was absolutely and completely happy as a single god I rode out of Athens and cut through a field heading for the cave that’s my secret shortcut entrance to the Underworld Not far from the mouth of the cave I saw someone waving wildly at me She wasn’t very big so at first I thought she was mortal But as I drew closer I saw that she had the telltale glow all immortals have and I realized my mistake Whoa Harley Whoa Davidson I called pulling on the reins My steeds slowed down and came to a halt beside the goddess I’d never seen her before but that was hardly surprising My brothers and sisters and the other Olympians were always marrying each other and having children You mortals might think that’s strange but from the beginning of time we immortals have always married each other The truth is we gods live by different rules from you humans In any case I didn’t get up to Mount Olympus much so there were lots of gods and goddesses I hadn’t ever met This goddess had long honey-colored hair pulled back in a flowered headband Her white robe was belted with a flowered girdle old speak for belt She even had a little flower-print purse and matching sandals Over one arm she carried a big picnic basket Hi the goddess said cheerfully Oh what fine steeds She ran over and began patting my horses and I noticed that wherever her feet touched the earth pink clover sprang forth on the spot Harley and Davidson noticed this too and right away they started nibbling May I help you in some way I asked stepping out of my chariot
The goddess nodded Can you give me a lift she asked I mean you don’t have to if it’s too much trouble but I really do need a ride Okay I said I hope it isn’t too far though because I have to get back to the Underworld and walk my dog The Underworld The goddess gasped and stepped closer to me She smelled just like a flower herself You live in the Underworld I nodded I’m Hades I rule the place And you are Oh The goddess clasped her hands together I’ve never met anyone who’s actually been to the Underworld and now here I am meeting the king I am so excited I’m Persephone by the way goddess of spring Maybe you’ve heard of me I hadn’t but it seemed rude to say so Before I could say anything a loud ringing filled the air Persephone reached into her purse and pulled out the tiniest little telephone I’d ever seen She held it to her ear Hello she said sweetly Then she sighed and said What now Mom Persephone listened as her mother talked for several minutes She looked at me and rolled her eyes Every once in a while she said Uh-huh Uh-huh At last she said I’m fine Mom You have to stop calling me every two minutes I can’t take it anymore I’ll call you later She hit a button on the phone Ohhhhh Why can’t Mom see that I’m a grown goddess now I don’t need her to be hovering over me every second Right I said Can I see your phone We gods had invented all sorts of cool gadgets thousands of years before you mortals ever thought of them but I’d never seen a
little phone like Persephone’s Where were the cords The plugs The wires Persephone tossed it to me It was made of shiny brass A little copper rod stuck out of its top But that was it No wires How does it work I asked Who knows Persephone shrugged It’s my purse phone Mom invented it to keep tabs on me She sighed I’d like to toss it off a cliff but Mom would just think up something even worse to keep track of me I gave the phone back and Persephone slipped it into her purse Well if you still need a ride I said I have a better idea Persephone’s eyes sparkled I’d love to see the Underworld How about taking me down and giving me a tour Can’t do it I said No visitors are allowed in the Underworld Persephone pulled a jar out of her picnic basket She popped off the top and held it out to me Mmmmmm Something smelled divine Pretty please Persephone said With ambrosia dill pickles on top I stared at that pickle jar I was ready for a little ambrosia pick-me-up We gods need to eat ambrosia and drink nectar pretty regularly to boost our immortality Oh we’d still live forever without them but we’d look all shrunken and withered By themselves ambrosia and nectar are very sweet but tasty mortal food laced with a dollop of ambrosia Yum I was ready to make the deal Harley whinnied then and the sound brought me back to my senses Not even for a pickle I told her Impossible I watched sadly as the jar disappeared back into the picnic basket
