Total poppycock Persephone wasn’t out picking any flowers She was running away from her overprotective mother And I never grabbed her She hitched a ride to the Underworld I couldn’t stand it that everyone who read the myths would think of me as some sort of kidnapper That’s why I wrote my own book to tell the world the truth So here’s the real deal on how I met Persephone and how she became my part-time Queen of the Underworld
A few millennia ago we gods defeated our big bad dad Cronus and his Titan brothers in a colossal battle for control of the cosmos After we won the war we had to decide who would be the new Ruler of the Universe I was all set to take over I was the oldest god for one thing Plus I knew I was strong enough brave enough and smart enough to be top god But my sneaky little brother Zeus had other ideas He convinced us my sisters Hestia Demeter and Hera and my brother Poseidon and me to settle the question by playing a game of poker Who won Zeus of course with a little help from some extra aces up his sleeve He took over Dad’s old job as Ruler of the Universe After a lot of quarreling Hestia became goddess of the hearth Demeter became goddess of agriculture Hera became goddess of marriage and Poseidon became god of the seas Even before things got sorted out I’d had it with my squabbling siblings I was so sick of them all that I volunteered to move down to the Underworld and become its king
For me the Underworld was perfect My brothers and sisters would never visit me because they’d have to walk for days and days to get here It was the only place in the universe that gods couldn’t simply chant the astro-traveling spell and ZIP show up The Underworld was private It was quiet It was home But every once in a while I needed a change of scenery One thing I liked to do was hitch my steeds Harley and Davidson to my chariot and gallop up to earth to catch a wrestling match The mortals in Athens a city in Greece were wild about wrestling in those days Since I’d competed in wrestling in the very first Olympic Games the Athenians treated me like a champ They even gave me free seats in their new wrestling stadium fourth-row center One day I saw a great match between Eagle-Eye Cyclops and Hot-Mouth Chimera I had three uncles who were Cyclopes and I always rooted for their wrestling relatives I put my money on Eagle Eye who defeated the firebreathing Chimera I won a bundle Afterward I left the stadium tipped the valet-parking mortal jumped into my chariot and took off down the main street of Athens It had changed quite a bit over the past few hundred years Where once there had been only a few goat cheese and fig stands now enterprising mortals had set up new shops Demetri’s Sandal Repair Sea Nymph Bait and Tackle and even Ari’s Speedy Wedding Chapel with a sign that read GOT X MINUTES GET MARRIED HERE Why anyone would want to do such a thing I had no idea My little brother Zeus
had been married seven times and counting But me I was absolutely and completely happy as a single god I rode out of Athens and cut through a field heading for the cave that’s my secret shortcut entrance to the Underworld Not far from the mouth of the cave I saw someone waving wildly at me She wasn’t very big so at first I thought she was mortal But as I drew closer I saw that she had the telltale glow all immortals have and I realized my mistake Whoa Harley Whoa Davidson I called pulling on the reins My steeds slowed down and came to a halt beside the goddess I’d never seen her before but that was hardly surprising My brothers and sisters and the other Olympians were always marrying each other and having children You mortals might think that’s strange but from the beginning of time we immortals have always married each other The truth is we gods live by different rules from you humans In any case I didn’t get up to Mount Olympus much so there were lots of gods and goddesses I hadn’t ever met This goddess had long honey-colored hair pulled back in a flowered headband Her white robe was belted with a flowered girdle old speak for belt She even had a little flower-print purse and matching sandals Over one arm she carried a big picnic basket Hi the goddess said cheerfully Oh what fine steeds She ran over and began patting my horses and I noticed that wherever her feet touched the earth pink clover sprang forth on the spot Harley and Davidson noticed this too and right away they started nibbling May I help you in some way I asked stepping out of my chariot
