have a magic hammer Did I mention I was big and strong Anyway some of you may have seen me in comic books or movies but Hollywood doesn't know the real me I am much cooler than they lead you to believe One look at my muscles and most bad guys usually ugly trolls and giants go running in terror Luckily most of the time I'm a happy sunny guy But if you do something to make me angry watch out I will blow up on you literally And not just with thunder either I will fry you with lightning so hard there will be nothing left but a smoking pile of rags My rage can shake the earth make glaciers splinter into shards and topple great mountains But most of the time I'm a nice guy Unless you're a giant Wait you re not a giant are you NO GIANTS ALLOWED he one sure way to get me angry is to put an ugly giant in my path Seriously I hate giants It's my job to keep them away from Asgard where we gods live So don't even pretend to be one of those snarling knuckle dragging hairy beasts I may lose it and forget you're just a tiny little mortal Another thing that makes me angry is any attempt to make me look stupid which is a favorite pastime of
Loki's a god you'll meet soon For this reason I would advise you not to attempt to use fancy words around me or tell me any weird riddles or knock knock jokes It won't go well for you GOAT YOU THERE bet you didn't know that I drive a chariot pulled by goats through the sky Goats people Sure I could've used horses but how predictable How boring My father Odin rides around on an eight legged steed and I wanted to make my mark by riding through the sky in a different way Using goats made a statement It said I was strong Different Creative Okay goats don't go as fast as eight legged horses or even a team of regular horses And yeah they are a tad stubborn And true they smell like the rankest monsters from Hel's domain our underworld But still They're fun And like me my goats are tough They're also hard to control which proves just how strong I am Some folks say goats are a bit on the dumb side but this is a complete and total lie They are just as smart as I am To top it all off my goats are magic too If I get hungry and am not in Valhalla where we feast all the time all I have to do is slaughter my trusty horned friends roast em up and enjoy When I'm done I place
the bones inside their skins gently tap my hammer over their hides and boom They're back alive and ready to roll It's the ultimate in travel and takeout Anyway What were we talking about Oh yeah My awesomeness In my day everybody loved me farmers herders partiers pirates and warriors which is why I was the most popular of all the Norse gods And no I'm not bragging I was everyone’s good buddy god Most folks wore tiny hammer charms in my honor for good luck and carved my symbol into all kinds of stones decorations and weapons They buried Thor hammers in graves to protect the dead They even held up hammers over the heads of newly married couples as a blessing Or as a threat to keep one or both of them from running Whatever I don't judge Everybody called on me for protection After all if I could protect the gods in Asgard from the terrible giants that wanted to take us down I could certainly protect you tiny little mortals Which reminds me before we go any further I must warn you if you don't like blood you might want to close this book and read stories about pixies and fairies instead I am not kidding around My people were famous for their brutality Vikings attacked killed and pillaged their way around most of the medieval world Nordic myths and legends are pretty brutal too filled with evil frost giants monster wolves ravenous dragons and epic battles of
If you think you can handle our tales of murder and mayhem then come along Step up onto my goat chariot and let's get going Don't be shy Velkomin to my
