Thor Speaks!

Thor Speaks! — page 3 — CAUTION HOR WANTS YOU TO KNOW that Norse myths and tales varied by region era and storyteller Also he wants you to be aware that the stories of the Nordic gods and heroes were written hundreds of years after his people stopped worshipping him he's still mad about that by the way and the other norse gods Consequently Thor is convinced that the authors of these stories tried to make the norse gods especially him look a little foolish to strengthen their new religion Christianity which is why he insists that there is absolutely no truth at all to the rumor that he was not the sharpest sword in the armory To keep your head you might want to remember

Thor Speaks! — page 4 — GREETINGS MORTAL ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF I am Thor the god of protection and strength The boss of thunder rain and lightning The lord of oaths The master of good weather The master of terrible weather too if you make me angry And finally the god of courage That's a lot to manage I know but I handle it all easily because I am big and strong and fearless Also I

Thor Speaks! — page 5 — have a magic hammer Did I mention I was big and strong Anyway some of you may have seen me in comic books or movies but Hollywood doesn't know the real me I am much cooler than they lead you to believe One look at my muscles and most bad guys usually ugly trolls and giants go running in terror Luckily most of the time I'm a happy sunny guy But if you do something to make me angry watch out I will blow up on you literally And not just with thunder either I will fry you with lightning so hard there will be nothing left but a smoking pile of rags My rage can shake the earth make glaciers splinter into shards and topple great mountains But most of the time I'm a nice guy Unless you're a giant Wait you re not a giant are you NO GIANTS ALLOWED he one sure way to get me angry is to put an ugly giant in my path Seriously I hate giants It's my job to keep them away from Asgard where we gods live So don't even pretend to be one of those snarling knuckle dragging hairy beasts I may lose it and forget you're just a tiny little mortal Another thing that makes me angry is any attempt to make me look stupid which is a favorite pastime of

Thor Speaks! — page 6 — Loki's a god you'll meet soon For this reason I would advise you not to attempt to use fancy words around me or tell me any weird riddles or knock knock jokes It won't go well for you GOAT YOU THERE bet you didn't know that I drive a chariot pulled by goats through the sky Goats people Sure I could've used horses but how predictable How boring My father Odin rides around on an eight legged steed and I wanted to make my mark by riding through the sky in a different way Using goats made a statement It said I was strong Different Creative Okay goats don't go as fast as eight legged horses or even a team of regular horses And yeah they are a tad stubborn And true they smell like the rankest monsters from Hel's domain our underworld But still They're fun And like me my goats are tough They're also hard to control which proves just how strong I am Some folks say goats are a bit on the dumb side but this is a complete and total lie They are just as smart as I am To top it all off my goats are magic too If I get hungry and am not in Valhalla where we feast all the time all I have to do is slaughter my trusty horned friends roast em up and enjoy When I'm done I place

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