Letters from an Alien Schoolboy

Letters from an Alien Schoolboy — page 1 — To Lenny and Lola Bruce Copyright 2013 by Ros Asquith Text and illustrations Copyright by Ros Asquith 2010 This North American edition of LETTERS FROM AN ALIEN SCHOOLBOY by Ros Asquith first published in the United Kingdom in 2010 is published by arrangement with Piccadilly Press Limited London England All Rights Reserved No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles All inquiries should be addressed to Sky Pony Press 307 West 36th Street 11th Floor New York NY 10018 Sky Pony Press books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion corporate gifts fund-raising or educational purposes Special editions can also be created to specifications For details contact the Special Sales Department Sky Pony Press 307 West 36th Street 11th Floor New York NY 10018 or info skyhorsepublishing com Sky Pony is a registered trademark of Skyhorse Publishing Inc a Delaware corporation Visit our website at www skyponypress com 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file ISBN 978-1-62087-536-0 Printed in the United States of America

Letters from an Alien Schoolboy — page 2 — TRANSLATED FROM ALIEN BY PROFESSOR R L ASQUITH Sky Pony Press New York

Letters from an Alien Schoolboy — page 3 — Earthlings Beware If you see this sign follow it at your peril Especially if it says any flavor you like with extra flakes and toffee sauce

Letters from an Alien Schoolboy — page 4 — MISSION EARTH DAY ONE SUNDAY Measly Dwelling Row of Identical Dwellings Tiny Country Called England Misshapen Islands Called Britain Insignificant Dot Called Earth Feeble Solar System Forty-third Galaxy from the Right Virgo Supercluster Wrong End of the Universe Dear Rokbumme Here we are squashed inside a repulsive house on the most ill-tempered ugly planet in the Universe Earth The weather is gray and freezing which is not surprising since Earth has only one sun and that seems to be covered up most of the time with wet floating blobs called clouds I am as cold as a ploogle and as mad as a bagful of scratchflackets We arrived here unsafely nearly beheading two ancient Earthlings which was all the pilot’s fault 5

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