In this great big world there are plenty of lousy jobs and if you aren’t careful you might grow up to have one Without the right encouragement and education you could get stuck being 1 An alligator massage therapist 2 A cat food taste-tester 3 A toilet bowl shiner 4 A roadkill collector 5 A screenwriter 6 The guy who scrapes boogers off the bottoms of movie theater seats Which one of these jobs is the worst is open to debate but all of them are soul-crushing nightmares Still none of them are as bad as Sherman Stoop’s job Sherman guarded a humongous head To be clear it wasn’t just a humongous head It had arms and legs but they were teeny-tiny and useless The head had feet
and hands too but they were even smaller and less useful But if you were pressed to describe the bizarre creature to a friend it would be safe to call it a head a gigantic RV-size tiny limbed head Sherman’s bosses told him that this head was evil and could destroy the world so it was put into a drug-induced sleep Sherman was also told that if the head were to ever wake up well it would be very very bad so Sherman had to watch it very very carefully It snored mumbled in its sleep drooled and frequently passed gas Worst Job Ever Or was it It seemed to Sherman that there had been a time when he loved his job In fact it seemed like just yesterday Maybe it was yesterday He couldn’t be sure Things were foggy lately but somewhere in the hazy reaches of his memory there were hints of a time when he thought his job was cool Didn’t he use to think it was epic to be working around spies in a secret headquarters built beneath a school Hadn’t it been thrilling to help a secret organization save the world on a daily basis Wasn’t it awe-inspiring to wear a uniform that was covered in fancy body armor that made him look extremely tough And what about his oversize laser gun that could burn through metal None of his friends from high school had a laser gun And the dental insurance The dental insurance ruled Or did it He couldn’t be sure He was so angry now and much of his frustration had to do with his job What was once exciting and new about working for the NERDS was now tedious and stupid What used to make him feel important now made him feel disrespected And the spies and scientists he once admired now seemed like a pack of mouth-breathing apes
He couldn’t be sure when his change in attitude had occurred but it all seemed to begin with the flu It hit him all at once dizziness sore throat and a fever so hot he felt like a marshmallow roasting over a campfire He tossed and turned in bed too sick to even call a doctor and then suddenly the fever nausea and aches were gone replaced by a newfound clarity about the world and his place in it His job guarding an evil gigantic RV-size head was not a matter of national security but a task for a monkey and his employers knew it They were jealous and fearful of his brilliance They wanted to squash his potential and steal the glory that was rightfully his so they stuck him with a thankless chore Well he wouldn’t stand for it Sherman Stoop was destined for greatness and it was about time the whole world knew it Sherman you don’t look well Andrea said She was a coworker on the security staff and lately the two of them had been eating lunch together They had a lot of interests in common kung fu movies Hungarian goulash festivals and kitten calendars Sherman had been building up the courage to ask her out on a date for months and finally he had the perfect romantic evening the annual goulash cook-off was a week away What could be more romantic than taste-testing a hundred different goulashes He was sure to sweep her off her feet But now well what had happened to all those good feelings Instead of being smitten by a beautiful woman who shared his love of heavy Eastern European cuisine he saw a manipulative cruel jerk who laughed at him behind his back I’m fine he seethed Not that you care Sherman what does that mean Be gone woman Can’t you see I’m thinking he replied
enraged Andrea’s face fell As if he had hurt her feelings What an actress She should have been in Hollywood making movies She probably didn’t even like goulash He turned and walked toward the door Sherman You can’t leave your station Watch me Sherman took off his helmet and tossed it to the floor It bounced around CLANG CLANG CLANG The noise caused everyone in the lab to gasp and all eyes turned to the slumbering head Its horrible stretched face grimaced and it snorted Was it waking up What were they supposed to do if it woke up But then it licked its lips and went back to its incessant snoring and the staff breathed again Sherman wasn’t going to wait around for the scientists to scold him like a child He stormed through the exit doors and nearly ran straight into his boss Dave Hobin Dave was a short dumpy man with a full mustache Several nights a month he and Sherman got together to play a card game called euchre Sherman why are you leaving the holding cell Are you not feeling well Sherman’s answer came in the form of a punch to Dave’s nose You wouldn’t listen to my ideas and you laughed at me All of you laughed at me What ideas Dave cried as he held his sore snout Is this about wanting Cheese Curls in the employee snack machine I told you I’d look into it For a moment the anger faded and Sherman realized what he
