In this great big world there are plenty of lousy jobs and if you aren’t careful you might grow up to have one Without the right encouragement and education you could get stuck being 1 An alligator massage therapist 2 A cat food taste-tester 3 A toilet bowl shiner 4 A roadkill collector 5 A screenwriter 6 The guy who scrapes boogers off the bottoms of movie theater seats Which one of these jobs is the worst is open to debate but all of them are soul-crushing nightmares Still none of them are as bad as Sherman Stoop’s job Sherman guarded a humongous head To be clear it wasn’t just a humongous head It had arms and legs but they were teeny-tiny and useless The head had feet
and hands too but they were even smaller and less useful But if you were pressed to describe the bizarre creature to a friend it would be safe to call it a head a gigantic RV-size tiny limbed head Sherman’s bosses told him that this head was evil and could destroy the world so it was put into a drug-induced sleep Sherman was also told that if the head were to ever wake up well it would be very very bad so Sherman had to watch it very very carefully It snored mumbled in its sleep drooled and frequently passed gas Worst Job Ever Or was it It seemed to Sherman that there had been a time when he loved his job In fact it seemed like just yesterday Maybe it was yesterday He couldn’t be sure Things were foggy lately but somewhere in the hazy reaches of his memory there were hints of a time when he thought his job was cool Didn’t he use to think it was epic to be working around spies in a secret headquarters built beneath a school Hadn’t it been thrilling to help a secret organization save the world on a daily basis Wasn’t it awe-inspiring to wear a uniform that was covered in fancy body armor that made him look extremely tough And what about his oversize laser gun that could burn through metal None of his friends from high school had a laser gun And the dental insurance The dental insurance ruled Or did it He couldn’t be sure He was so angry now and much of his frustration had to do with his job What was once exciting and new about working for the NERDS was now tedious and stupid What used to make him feel important now made him feel disrespected And the spies and scientists he once admired now seemed like a pack of mouth-breathing apes
