Twelve-year-old Gerdie Baker frowned at her reflection in her bedroom mirror She had long and lumpy limbs huge Hobbit-like feet hair like a tumbleweed in an old cowboy movie and an unfortunate under-bite that made her look like a caveman She was a mess which led her to one undeniable conclusion She must be a Bigfoot Like Bigfoots she lumbered when she walked Like Bigfoots she scared small animals Like Bigfoots she grunted when she ate Since her parents weren’t Bigfoots she concluded that she must have been discovered in the wilds and transplanted to the suburbs of Akron Ohio for study It was the only reasonable explanation To prove her theory she had done a few simple calculations There was a 40 chance that her family had found her on a camping trip shaved her down and taught her to speak There was a 35 chance that she was part of an experiment by the Department of Fish and Wildlife in hopes of integrating Bigfoots into modern society
There was a 23 chance that from a cage in a traveling sideshow And then there was the teeny-tiny 2 chance that she wasn’t a missing link at all but a twelve-year-old girl suffering through a very awkward period This 2 was only on the list because Bigfoots are not known for their math skills and so the fact that she could construct these possibilities left a hole in her theory She was devising a new list of theories on why a Bigfoot might know calculus when she heard a loud squeal coming through her open bedroom window Gerdie walked over and looked outside into the backyard There she saw cake balloons a deejay streamers punch a karaoke machine and two dozen pretty girls in cheerleading outfits having the time of their lives Her birthday party was obnoxious Her mother had gone all out this year for Gerdie and her sisters Linda and Luanne otherwise known as the Baker Triplets But Gerdie could not bring herself to go down and join the fun Just because she shared their DNA as her mother claimed didn’t mean she was one of them Linda Luanne and their friends were all gorgeous like they had stepped out of a fashion magazine Gruesome Gerdie looked like she had crawled out of Field and Stream Her mind couldn’t help but calculate what would happen if she were to show her face at the party There was a 54 chance that the girls would laugh at her A 29 chance that they would stare at her like she was
from another planet A 10 chance that someone would scream and or faint and or vomit And a 7 chance that someone would call Animal Control and have her shot with a tranquilizer dart Nope She didn’t belong down there yet But soon very soon she would be one of the pretty ones She too would be the center of attention You see Gerdie Baker had plans Which was probably further evidence that she was not really a Bigfoot Bigfoots don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the future She would have to increase the 2 to 3 She sat down on her bed snatched a notebook off her nightstand and opened it to a math problem This one was more complicated than anything she had ever attempted It stretched out over dozens of pages x’s and y’s holding on to pluses and minuses like life preservers in a murky sea Soon she would fish them out and unlock their mysteries and her miserable life would change forever If only she still had her There was a knock at the door Leave me alone I don’t want any cake Gerdie shouted But the knock came again Setting down her notebook she crossed the room and threw open the door There was no one there She craned her neck into the hallway but it was empty She glanced down and saw an envelope on the floor It was addressed to her She scooped it up Inside was a note that read There are presents for you downstairs
Gerdie sighed She might as well go down get the presents and get it over with In the backyard a sea of surprised girls stared at her The 29 had been correct She could almost hear the confusion in their minds as the guests tried to understand how she could be related to Linda and Luanne Maybe coming downstairs hadn’t been a good idea Have some cake Gertrude her mother said as she approached with Gerdie’s sisters in tow Gerdie eyed the birthday cake It was shaped like a megaphone the kind cheerleaders use at football games It read Happy Birthday Luanne Linda and G G Gerdie’s mom looked defensive Honey Gertrude is a long name There’s only so much cake Where are all the friends you invited She doesn’t have any friends to invite Linda laughed I used to before we moved Gerdie cried I had lots of friends No you hung around with the nerd herd Luanne said The biggest collection of waste cases in the history of Nathan Hale Elementary Moving us here was the best thing that could have happened to you Gerdie sighed They had moved from Arlington Virginia a year and a half ago and she had never adjusted Well let’s open some presents Everyone gathered around a table stacked high with boxes wrapped in pretty bows and Gerdie’s mom handed them out
