For Abigail Contessa and her very cool mom Molly Choi
Twelve-year-old Gerdie Baker frowned at her reflection in her bedroom mirror She had long and lumpy limbs huge Hobbit-like feet hair like a tumbleweed in an old cowboy movie and an unfortunate under-bite that made her look like a caveman She was a mess which led her to one undeniable conclusion She must be a Bigfoot Like Bigfoots she lumbered when she walked Like Bigfoots she scared small animals Like Bigfoots she grunted when she ate Since her parents weren’t Bigfoots she concluded that she must have been discovered in the wilds and transplanted to the suburbs of Akron Ohio for study It was the only reasonable explanation To prove her theory she had done a few simple calculations There was a 40 chance that her family had found her on a camping trip shaved her down and taught her to speak There was a 35 chance that she was part of an experiment by the Department of Fish and Wildlife in hopes of integrating Bigfoots into modern society
There was a 23 chance that from a cage in a traveling sideshow And then there was the teeny-tiny 2 chance that she wasn’t a missing link at all but a twelve-year-old girl suffering through a very awkward period This 2 was only on the list because Bigfoots are not known for their math skills and so the fact that she could construct these possibilities left a hole in her theory She was devising a new list of theories on why a Bigfoot might know calculus when she heard a loud squeal coming through her open bedroom window Gerdie walked over and looked outside into the backyard There she saw cake balloons a deejay streamers punch a karaoke machine and two dozen pretty girls in cheerleading outfits having the time of their lives Her birthday party was obnoxious Her mother had gone all out this year for Gerdie and her sisters Linda and Luanne otherwise known as the Baker Triplets But Gerdie could not bring herself to go down and join the fun Just because she shared their DNA as her mother claimed didn’t mean she was one of them Linda Luanne and their friends were all gorgeous like they had stepped out of a fashion magazine Gruesome Gerdie looked like she had crawled out of Field and Stream Her mind couldn’t help but calculate what would happen if she were to show her face at the party There was a 54 chance that the girls would laugh at her A 29 chance that they would stare at her like she was
