Don’t worry I said We’ll do everything That got her attention Oh she said but not in a good way Dad’s picking up Schwartzman’s I said It’s your It is she said But we just can’t swing the expense right It’s your birthday I said We have to do something favorite now special She smiled a little but she looked a little worried too Relax Mom I said Uh-huh she said Just keep it simple and use paper plates so there won’t be any mess No I said We have to use the good dishes I couldn’t tell her that I needed the good dishes for my trick Paper plates are too light and would be dragged off the table They would ruin the whole trick No Robbie she said I don’t have time to dig out the good dishes I’ll do it I said I’ll clean up too Please Mom looked at the mountain of files in front of her She waved her hands at me Okay fine she said Just don’t break anything And help Harry clean the family room He’s got bubble gum wrappers all over the place again I started toward the door Hold on she said We need to talk about something else In a minute I said and ran out of the room before she
could change her mind about the dishes I know when to make a fast getaway Note to future movie producers You have my permission to change my exit to a high-speed car chase if you want You’re welcome
I RAN INTO THE FAMILY ROOM WHERE MY SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER HARRY was climbing on the back of the couch I call him Ape Boy because he climbs on everything just like an ape He also chews on anything that gets near his mouth Pencils Legos Fingers not just his own You name it Last week he chewed through the strap on the new messenger bag Mom bought for work She got so mad she almost cried The doctor suggested giving Harry bubble gum so Mom bought a bucket of it Now he chews on everything and sticks gum on it too The doctor says he’ll outgrow it but I doubt it Ape Boy sat on the back of the couch chewing on the TV remote and a wad of bubble gum at the same time There were a thousand bubble gum wrappers on the floor He drops them everywhere which is why Ape Boy is not allowed in my room
Clean up this mess Ape Boy I said Don’t call me Ape Harry said Don’t act like one And get busy We’re having company I don’t want company Don’t you want Mom to have a good party I asked Yeah Then stop being a baby and just do it I’m not a baby I know I said You’re an ape I whacked him with one of the couch pillows and he fell onto the couch seat laughing He grabbed the other pillow and whacked me back That was the beginning of the Epic Battle of the Family Room Insert movie explosions here Kerblooey Kerblam The Epic Battle of the Family Room lasted until Mom yelled from the kitchen Ever Get busy They’ll be here in an hour We are I yelled back and hit Ape Boy again After that I fixed the cushions and straightened up the magazines while Ape Boy stored the bubble gum wrappers under the couch He was happy because he’d found some old Reese’s Pieces and popcorn from the last Movie Night Mom and I’d had The popcorn was covered with carpet fuzz and the candy was old and really nasty but Ape Boy didn’t care Like I said he chews everything Which is the other reason Ape Boy is not allowed in my room Ever My room is an Ape-Boy-free zone And that’s how I like it I love Movie Night Since Dad and Ape Boy hate old
