THE HARDEST PART ABOUT WRITING A TRUE STORY IS MAKING YOUR LIFE SOUND exciting I want my story to be like an action movie but it’s harder than you’d think My book can’t include explosions because fireworks are illegal here It can’t have car chases because I won’t drive until I’m sixteen Or thirty if Dad reads that last sentence It can’t even include an alien invasion even though my brother is weirder than E T But don’t worry because someday someone will turn my book into an action movie with car chases exploding aliens and sound effects Since I know that’s going to happen in the future I’m just going to write what really happens for now I’ll start with Mom’s birthday party By the way if you want to add sound effects go ahead I might add some too Kaboom Sunday was Mom’s birthday and I had the perfect present
for her A magic trick It’s more of a parlor trick than a magic one but it’s cool It’s the trick where I pull a tablecloth off the dining room table without moving a single dish I’ve been working on it for weeks Since I wanted to surprise Mom I only practiced when she was working late at the loan company I got a lot of practice The tablecloth trick needs a hemless tablecloth I found a fancy red tablecloth in the dining room drawer but it had a thick hem so I fixed it with Mom’s sewing shears I know what you’re thinking that Mom wouldn’t like me using her expensive sewing shears but it’s okay She doesn’t need them because she hasn’t sewn anything since she started working again Not even my Halloween costume Sunday morning Mom sat at the kitchen table with a giant stack of files an adding machine and a cup of coffee Dad was on a plane coming home from somewhere but I don’t remember where Dad is kind of like Waldo He travels so much I never know where he is I did know that he was going to pick up dinner for the party when he landed It was Mom’s special day so we didn’t want her to cook or anything like that Aunt Trudy was even buying the cake My brother and I would take care of everything else Happy birthday I said I have a big surprise for your party I’m sure it will be great Mom said without looking up It will I said You’ll see I’m terrible for saying this but I wish we weren’t having company she said I’ve got to get through all these cases by tomorrow
Don’t worry I said We’ll do everything That got her attention Oh she said but not in a good way Dad’s picking up Schwartzman’s I said It’s your It is she said But we just can’t swing the expense right It’s your birthday I said We have to do something favorite now special She smiled a little but she looked a little worried too Relax Mom I said Uh-huh she said Just keep it simple and use paper plates so there won’t be any mess No I said We have to use the good dishes I couldn’t tell her that I needed the good dishes for my trick Paper plates are too light and would be dragged off the table They would ruin the whole trick No Robbie she said I don’t have time to dig out the good dishes I’ll do it I said I’ll clean up too Please Mom looked at the mountain of files in front of her She waved her hands at me Okay fine she said Just don’t break anything And help Harry clean the family room He’s got bubble gum wrappers all over the place again I started toward the door Hold on she said We need to talk about something else In a minute I said and ran out of the room before she
could change her mind about the dishes I know when to make a fast getaway Note to future movie producers You have my permission to change my exit to a high-speed car chase if you want You’re welcome
