Dorko the Magnificent

Dorko the Magnificent — page 7 — I RAN INTO THE FAMILY ROOM WHERE MY SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER HARRY was climbing on the back of the couch I call him Ape Boy because he climbs on everything just like an ape He also chews on anything that gets near his mouth Pencils Legos Fingers not just his own You name it Last week he chewed through the strap on the new messenger bag Mom bought for work She got so mad she almost cried The doctor suggested giving Harry bubble gum so Mom bought a bucket of it Now he chews on everything and sticks gum on it too The doctor says he’ll outgrow it but I doubt it Ape Boy sat on the back of the couch chewing on the TV remote and a wad of bubble gum at the same time There were a thousand bubble gum wrappers on the floor He drops them everywhere which is why Ape Boy is not allowed in my room

Dorko the Magnificent — page 8 — Clean up this mess Ape Boy I said Don’t call me Ape Harry said Don’t act like one And get busy We’re having company I don’t want company Don’t you want Mom to have a good party I asked Yeah Then stop being a baby and just do it I’m not a baby I know I said You’re an ape I whacked him with one of the couch pillows and he fell onto the couch seat laughing He grabbed the other pillow and whacked me back That was the beginning of the Epic Battle of the Family Room Insert movie explosions here Kerblooey Kerblam The Epic Battle of the Family Room lasted until Mom yelled from the kitchen Ever Get busy They’ll be here in an hour We are I yelled back and hit Ape Boy again After that I fixed the cushions and straightened up the magazines while Ape Boy stored the bubble gum wrappers under the couch He was happy because he’d found some old Reese’s Pieces and popcorn from the last Movie Night Mom and I’d had The popcorn was covered with carpet fuzz and the candy was old and really nasty but Ape Boy didn’t care Like I said he chews everything Which is the other reason Ape Boy is not allowed in my room Ever My room is an Ape-Boy-free zone And that’s how I like it I love Movie Night Since Dad and Ape Boy hate old

Dorko the Magnificent — page 9 — movies it’s just me and Mom and a big bowl of popcorn with Reese’s Pieces It’s the best combination ever A little salty A little sweet A lot awesome It’s funny how Mom and Dad are alike and different too They both love hot peppers and baseball but Dad loves new movies with explosions and Mom loves old movies with dancing Maybe someone should make a movie with dancing and explosions A movie like that would have some pretty weird sound effects Tap-tap-kaboom I started watching old movies with Mom when I was a little kid When Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers danced around in their fancy clothes Mom picked me up and twirled around the room until we got dizzy and fell on the couch laughing I think Mom would have been a movie star if she’d lived back then She has a way of standing out I like that Those old-time movie stars made people watch them even when they weren’t dancing They stood out Sometimes when I do magic I think that maybe I do too Just a little For the record I like movies where things explode too But I love watching the old movies with Mom just me and her We used to have Movie Night every Friday but that was before Dad lost his good job and Mom had to start her bad one Mom says we’ll have another Movie Night soon Probably next week maybe Just in case I bought a big box of Reese’s Pieces and made Mom hide them so I won’t eat them if she has to cancel Again One time I heard Principal Adolphus say that the more things change the more they stay the same I don’t know what he was talking about The more things change the more things stink When we were done cleaning Ape Boy climbed onto the back of the couch again and unwrapped a new piece of bubble

Dorko the Magnificent — page 10 — gum He threw the wrapper onto the floor but I didn’t care I had a table to get ready I put the red tablecloth on the dining room table and got Mom’s good china from the cabinet I set the whole table just like Mom does I even put out the tall beeswax candles that Mom keeps for very very special occasions I knew Mom wouldn’t mind What’s more special than your own birthday Especially when your present is a magic trick You might wonder why I went through so much trouble to make the table so fancy I have two reasons The first one is about science Lots of magic is about science which is why I actually do okay in science class Mom’s fancy dishes are super heavy and push down on the table with more force than the tablecloth has when I jerk it away from the table That’s why the dishes stay right where they started The other reason is about drama Magic involves a lot of drama which is why I would also do okay in acting class if my school was smart enough to have one Using the fancy dishes adds danger Who cares if I knock over some paper cups and plastic plates Nobody But if I goof up and destroy Mom’s best china there will be danger Lots and lots of danger And probably some hiding out in my friend Cat’s tree house for a few days And weeks of being grounded and probably getting a summer job to pay for the china and oh boy Anyhow Danger makes people pay attention It gives them focus In magic focus is everything Remember that It’s important I was focusing on the table when Mom yelled for me to come to the kitchen

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