Dorko the Magnificent

Dorko the Magnificent — page 1 — my magic trick and just before I say Ta-daaaa When there’s still the chance that everyone will be amazed and yell Bravo and clap or at least not laugh or scream or call the fire department Again You’ve probably felt that moment too Like right after you open a book and just before you read the first line Before you know if a book stinks and you have to change the characters names to Lipzilla and Sir Tidy Diaper so you don’t die of boredom And by the way if you feel the need to change my name which is Robbie Darko to get through this book knock your socks off I’d change it myself if I could And someday I just might Though I would not pick Sir Tidy Diaper for your information I’d pick a mysterious-sounding Russian name like Vladislov Kanzinzki It sounds better than Dorko which is what everyone calls me now thanks to Mr Nate Watkins fifth-grade loser So if you know what they call that moment I’m talking about I hope you’ll tell me I’ve been wondering about it since last year’s talent show which stunk And no I will not go into details I will tell you that my act involved a salamander named Sir Isaac Newt a baseball cap and Principal David Adolphus I performed my trick perfectly and then that moment with no name arrived and I held my breath for a single heartbeat and just before I said Ta-daaaa Principal Adolphus revealed his phobia of salamanders and his ability to scream like a first grade girl I didn’t know that Principal Adolphus had amphibia phobia Did you So last year’s talent show stunk but that’s old news Stale cheese I’m in fifth grade now and I’m going to come up with a great new act for this year’s show One that will leave Hobson

Dorko the Magnificent — page 2 — Elementary School talking about me long after I graduate Oh One last thing If you’re reading this book to find out how magic tricks work go find a book about some jerk named Sir Tidy Diaper who spoils surprises for everybody because you’re reading the wrong story

Dorko the Magnificent — page 3 — THE HARDEST PART ABOUT WRITING A TRUE STORY IS MAKING YOUR LIFE SOUND exciting I want my story to be like an action movie but it’s harder than you’d think My book can’t include explosions because fireworks are illegal here It can’t have car chases because I won’t drive until I’m sixteen Or thirty if Dad reads that last sentence It can’t even include an alien invasion even though my brother is weirder than E T But don’t worry because someday someone will turn my book into an action movie with car chases exploding aliens and sound effects Since I know that’s going to happen in the future I’m just going to write what really happens for now I’ll start with Mom’s birthday party By the way if you want to add sound effects go ahead I might add some too Kaboom Sunday was Mom’s birthday and I had the perfect present

Dorko the Magnificent — page 4 — for her A magic trick It’s more of a parlor trick than a magic one but it’s cool It’s the trick where I pull a tablecloth off the dining room table without moving a single dish I’ve been working on it for weeks Since I wanted to surprise Mom I only practiced when she was working late at the loan company I got a lot of practice The tablecloth trick needs a hemless tablecloth I found a fancy red tablecloth in the dining room drawer but it had a thick hem so I fixed it with Mom’s sewing shears I know what you’re thinking that Mom wouldn’t like me using her expensive sewing shears but it’s okay She doesn’t need them because she hasn’t sewn anything since she started working again Not even my Halloween costume Sunday morning Mom sat at the kitchen table with a giant stack of files an adding machine and a cup of coffee Dad was on a plane coming home from somewhere but I don’t remember where Dad is kind of like Waldo He travels so much I never know where he is I did know that he was going to pick up dinner for the party when he landed It was Mom’s special day so we didn’t want her to cook or anything like that Aunt Trudy was even buying the cake My brother and I would take care of everything else Happy birthday I said I have a big surprise for your party I’m sure it will be great Mom said without looking up It will I said You’ll see I’m terrible for saying this but I wish we weren’t having company she said I’ve got to get through all these cases by tomorrow

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