CHAPTER 1 Everyone tells me funerals help with the grieving process but I think those people are full of crap If anything they make you more depressed than you already are I stare at my brother’s casket as we gather around the gravesite A few inches of snow covers the ground around us and I shiver at the cold breeze biting at my skin Dad blows his nose and I glance over and see Mom crying into the shoulder of his coat I’m not sure how she even has tears left I know I’m supposed to feel something Anything Relief that Lucas is out of pain Anger that he was taken so early from us Sadness that I’ll never hear his laugh or see his smiling face again Instead I feel only a hollow emptiness inside my chest He took part of me with him I can already feel the hole he left behind waiting for something to fill it But I know no one can ever take the place of my best friend Mom grabs my arm and gives it a squeeze She holds out a tissue but I don’t take it I haven’t cried since the night at the hospital The night he left us I know so much emotion is built up inside of me looking for a chance to escape but for some reason I can’t no won’t let it out Something’s wrong with me 1
Dad wraps an arm around my waist I don’t move My arms are like weights at my side Lifeless Like Lucas Mom says something to me and presses a long stemmed rose into my hand I stare at it and say nothing I’ve always hated flowers at funerals They’re supposed to make you feel happy Not depressed People around me move one by one toward the casket and place their roses on top As I watch them my fist closes and I crush the delicate petals of my flower into my palm The maimed rose slides from my fingers and drops to the ground I can’t handle this Everyone is so sad Red faces puffy eyes The world seems to move in slow motion as Dad places his rose on the casket Mom does the same My breath catches as I notice everyone staring at me waiting for me to do something Anything Dad urges me forward to take my turn but my feet refuse to move He keeps his hand on my back and I take a deep breath before I look up at him His eyes are sad as they fall on the pieces of the rose at my feet He doesn’t say anything about it just grabs my hand and meets my gaze but the look he gives me while his eyes fill with tears is more than I can handle I have to get out of here I step away from him take one last look at the casket and turn around Oakley Where are you going Dad asks I don’t answer just push past him and move through the crowd as my heart hammers in my chest Mom calls my name Dad calls for me too I keep walking and don’t look back 2
CHAPTER 2 My parents are arguing again Mom quit her job at the bank It didn’t go over very well with Dad who has thrown himself into his job like a madman I know they’re both grieving in their own ways but they should talk to each other about it not fight Fighting gets you nowhere I listen to their raised voices for a moment and put on my headphones when Mom starts crying I can’t han dle hearing her sob all night again so I turn my iPod on and music blasts in my ears Nothing like a bunch of gui tars and screaming to drown out my parents and my own thoughts If I can’t hear them they’re not there I lie on my bed and stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars that light up the ceiling Lucas bought them for me for my sixteenth birthday He even made his own constellation out of them and called it Luca Major Stupid but funny It makes me miss him even more The light flips on and I turn my head to see Mom standing in the doorway I pause my music and sit up Sorry she says I knocked but you didn’t answer I shrug It’s fine My voice is hoarse It was so hard for me to say those two words I haven’t spoken since 3
the funeral three days ago and no one’s really spoken to me either She hesitates in the doorway but finally comes to sit on the edge of my bed Oakley she starts She takes a deep breath and reaches out to tuck my dark hair behind my ear I pull away from her touch After all the time and energy she’s spent on my brother the past few years it’s foreign to me Your father and I have been talking I’ve decided to go live with Aunt Jo for a while Maybe just until summer I need some time She swallows and blinks back the moisture in her eyes I need time away from here for a while Okay I say Great She’s abandoning me First Lucas now her I breathe in and out I still don’t feel much Just empty I wanted to see if well She smoothes my hair down and though I consider protesting I let her Honey I want you to come with me My heart races You’re not getting divorced are you I pray she says no I can’t handle anything else going wrong Not now Not when I need at least some normalcy in my life She shakes her head No Your father and I are fine We just grieve differently The way she says it confirms that they’re not fine She takes a shaky breath Anyway just think about coming with me okay You don’t have to be in school since you graduated early and you don’t have a job or anything I think it could be good for you to get away from everything 4
