Acknowledgments This book is so special to me for so many reasons and there’s no way it could have gotten out into the world without some amazing people by my side To my wonderful hardworking agent Nicole Resciniti who believed in Oakley’s story and who continues to believe in me To my editor Nicole Frail whom I adore Thank you for loving this story as much as I do and for helping me shape it into something beautiful Thank you also to everyone behind the scenes at Sky Pony I sincerely appreciate everything you have done for me To my fabulous critique partners and best friends Katie Dodge and Ruth Josse Thank you For everything I don’t know where I would be without you two To Jessie Humphries for giving me surfing lessons through Facebook messages and for always making me laugh at your inappropriateness Haha Thank you to the rest of my awesome and hilarious writing group Peggy Eddleman Erin Summerill Kim Krey Taffy Lovell Jeigh Meredith Shelly Brown Donna Nolan Julianne Donaldson Jamie Thompson and Christene vii
Houston for the writing retreats sprints get-togethers and road trips To my beta readers Megan Park and Michelle Argyle for your fabulous critiques to make this book better To my parents Robert and Cheri Wardleigh for always believing in me and supporting me ever since I was a kid even if my dreams and ideas seemed a little crazy To my brother Braeden Wardleigh for being my Lucas To my sisters Chaleese Leishman and Chakell Wardleigh for being my best friends and for reading every single draft of everything I write even when it sucks A huge thank-you to Daniel Sedgwick for answering all of my random medical questions And the rest of my family who have supported me on this journey I’m truly grateful And finally to the loves of my life My husband David who told me to chase my dreams and has supported me so much since I started writing so many years ago I love you To my four beautiful and crazy kidlets Caden Kinley Brooklyn and Beckam who keep me on my toes and brighten every single day And last but not least to my readers Thank you for taking a chance on me and Oakley’s story I hope you love Lucas as much as I do viii
CHAPTER 1 Everyone tells me funerals help with the grieving process but I think those people are full of crap If anything they make you more depressed than you already are I stare at my brother’s casket as we gather around the gravesite A few inches of snow covers the ground around us and I shiver at the cold breeze biting at my skin Dad blows his nose and I glance over and see Mom crying into the shoulder of his coat I’m not sure how she even has tears left I know I’m supposed to feel something Anything Relief that Lucas is out of pain Anger that he was taken so early from us Sadness that I’ll never hear his laugh or see his smiling face again Instead I feel only a hollow emptiness inside my chest He took part of me with him I can already feel the hole he left behind waiting for something to fill it But I know no one can ever take the place of my best friend Mom grabs my arm and gives it a squeeze She holds out a tissue but I don’t take it I haven’t cried since the night at the hospital The night he left us I know so much emotion is built up inside of me looking for a chance to escape but for some reason I can’t no won’t let it out Something’s wrong with me 1
Dad wraps an arm around my waist I don’t move My arms are like weights at my side Lifeless Like Lucas Mom says something to me and presses a long stemmed rose into my hand I stare at it and say nothing I’ve always hated flowers at funerals They’re supposed to make you feel happy Not depressed People around me move one by one toward the casket and place their roses on top As I watch them my fist closes and I crush the delicate petals of my flower into my palm The maimed rose slides from my fingers and drops to the ground I can’t handle this Everyone is so sad Red faces puffy eyes The world seems to move in slow motion as Dad places his rose on the casket Mom does the same My breath catches as I notice everyone staring at me waiting for me to do something Anything Dad urges me forward to take my turn but my feet refuse to move He keeps his hand on my back and I take a deep breath before I look up at him His eyes are sad as they fall on the pieces of the rose at my feet He doesn’t say anything about it just grabs my hand and meets my gaze but the look he gives me while his eyes fill with tears is more than I can handle I have to get out of here I step away from him take one last look at the casket and turn around Oakley Where are you going Dad asks I don’t answer just push past him and move through the crowd as my heart hammers in my chest Mom calls my name Dad calls for me too I keep walking and don’t look back 2
