I’m troubled Qui-Gon said not elaborating on what was troubling him We’ll meditate Obi-Wan’s stomach sadly dinner-free thanks to Bolla sank Was he the source of Qui-Gon’s troubles It seemed like the majority of their training was spent in meditation The other Padawans were frequently out on missions serving serving the Republic helping the galaxy Or in Bolla’s case finding creatures to torment Obi-Wan with Was it Obi-Wan’s fault that he wasn’t ready That Qui-Gon seemed content to remain on Coruscant meditating meditating But maybe it wasn’t that Qui-Gon was content Maybe it was that he was troubled by Obi-Wan worried that his Padawan wasn’t actually ready for anything outside the protection of the Temple Obi-Wan was trying to be the best Padawan He was trying trying so hard But guessing what would impress and please the gentle unflappable Master Qui-Gon Jinn was almost impossible Obi-Wan couldn’t pass a test if he didn’t even know what he was being tested on Not bidding farewell to the others Prie was absorbed with her new pet and Bolla was still pretending not to laugh Obi-Wan followed Qui-Gon out of the Padawan dining hall They left the lower sections with their vast training training rooms and various living areas then wound their way up toward the gardens Qui-Gon favored Obi-Wan liked them as well Or at least he used to before they became the location of his most consistent training failures Now even 6 KIERSTEN WHITE
the fresh scent of a green space triggered a spike of anxiety In a quiet corner of the luscious and sprawling gardens gardens surrounded by vivid orange blossoms and the sound of unseen water Qui-Gon sat on the floor His legs were crossed at the ankles his hands on his knees his eyes closed and his breathing instantly even Measured Purposeful Obi-Wan sat across from him The rock courtyard of the garden was hard and uncomfortable beneath him He couldn’t decide which ankle should go over the other Left over right seemed best but once he started thinking about it was it really He switched them Then switched them back Three more times He tried palms down on his knees and then palms up Spine straight Eyes closed But he was squeezing them shut again not letting them fall gently closed like a leaf drifting to the ground Qui-Gon had advised that imagery once Obi-Wan’s leaves were agitated and jittery things apparently Once he had finally gotten as close to comfortable as he could though he became even more aware of his own body His robes wet in several spots with now cold soup His wrist had ceased throbbing in time with his heartbeat and burned with a sullen insistent pain That was good though He wasn’t really meditating if he wasn’t working at it It shouldn’t be easy Should it It had been easy when he was a tiny initiate But he hadn’t understood understood it Not like he did now He wanted to ask Master Qui-Gon whether or not PADAWAN 7
meditation should be challenging but one crack of an eye revealed Qui-Gon was far far away Obi-Wan could even swear there was the slightest hint of air between Qui-Gon and the terrace He squeezed his eye shut again lest he be caught cheating Meditation Obi-Wan had to figure it out He had never been bad at it before his trials but then again it had been only one small part of his training Now with Qui-Gon it seemed to be the bulk of it Obi-Wan couldn’t rely on his other skills to compensate Maybe that was what he hated meditation laid his weaknesses bare in front of him There was nothing else to think about nothing to do but face them And Obi-Wan was terrified of them And then he was terrified of being terrified because fear was a path to the dark side Which made his need to figure out meditation even more desperate which made his heart race which made his wrist burn even more which made it impossible to settle into any sort of peace Any state where he could reach out and connect to the Force was blocked He could do this He had to be able to do this He reached for the Force tried to grasp it and ended up emptyhanded emptyhanded time and again So while his master sat in perfect harmony Obi-Wan squirmed miserable soup-soaked and utterly devoid of any sort of tranquility His stomach twisted with the increasing certainty that the source of Qui-Gon’s troubles was in fact Obi-Wan himself He was failing as a Padawan 8 KIERSTEN WHITE
