Hear Me

Hear Me — page 3 — Say the word h n I flip through words stored in my head and beg the tears to stay locked behind my eyeballs I pick a word I clearly visualize on page four Shone Gripping the arms of the chair I force myself not to turn around Force myself not to plaster my eyes against the window to see if Yvonne has marked my answer right or wrong But honestly I don’t need to peek It’s wrong It was probably a th sound not a sh How do I confuse them I sit silently as my ears try to make sense of the next few words but they don’t So I start guessing because I have to make Mom believe I’m fine Or at least prove that I’m not getting worse because I’m not I concentrate closing my eyes blocking every thing out even my own thoughts and strain with all that’s in me to hear the words I can make out the word vine I think No I’m positive I repeat it Then I hear m n Come on Rayne Think Vowels are not easy for me But the m I heard an m The end sounded like an n Moon I blurt before the next word can fill the headphones all while my heart pulls like a rip current I guess on a few more knowing if this were a test in school I’d definitely get an F There’s no grade for 4

Hear Me — page 4 — effort With my eyes still closed I imagine a perfect barrel wave curling over me my surf board carrying me out of this awful box across the beautiful ocean to a deserted island where it wouldn’t matter if I can hear or not because I’d be the only one there Yvonne yells through the headphones Now you are going to hear a series of beeps Her voice booms so loud it actually hurts my ears I jump and the creepy smile on that Mickey Mouse like mask teases me I want to tell Yvonne that she doesn’t need to shout And she doesn’t need the volume cranked all the way up But she must think I do since I most likely bombed the word test She’s probably thinking Poor girl Surely she’ll be all the way deaf by next week Hurl Hurl Hurl Yes thanks I know how it works I’m hoping she won’t finish the directions Okay um here we go The first beep is loud and shrieky As I push the clicker I picture Mom and the stacks of printouts she downloaded from the internet to show Dr James as if he didn’t already know all there is to know about cochlear implants 5

Hear Me — page 5 — No Focus Listen Do not let Mom be right Click I push the button Click click They were beeps They had to be I close my eyes and concen trate as hard as I can Yes a beep Low but I’m sure of it Click Another Was it Did I make it up Click Again yes I hear it Click Eyes sealed tight Click I hold my breath not wanting to miss a near silent beep Click Click Click I jump at the sound of Yvonne’s voice Okay sit tight for a second Easy for her to say With no noise coming through the headphones the tinnitus takes over That con stant loud ringing in my ears drives me nuts espe cially at night when I’m trying to fall asleep I look to the corner where two of the metal walls the ones that cage me in meet and try to distract myself by counting holes from the bottom up This time I get to ninety-two before the vault door opens Yvonne’s smiling as she takes the clicker from my hand Better than a shot at a doctor’s office right 6

Hear Me — page 6 — I don’t have my aids in and though I can still hear certain things a little bit without them Yvonne doesn’t know this So I pretend I have no clue what she’s say ing especially because I’d take one hundred shots at a regular doctor’s office over sitting in this Box of Shame any day Her question is ridiculous And mean She throws me that I-feel-sorry-for-you smile the one people wear every time they find out I have hearing loss and I wish I could erase it right off her face I mean if she’s going to be an audiologist she should at least be a better pretender I can faintly hear that she’s still talking but I don’t look at her I don’t need to read her lips to know what she’s saying that for this next test I don’t have to do anything but sit still while the nearly upside down lopsided headband that hugs the back of my head tests something with my bones When Yvonne slips out and closes the door before she gets to her side of the smudged window I slide the headband backward about an inch A test with no results is better than a test with bad ones I close my eyes and mentally transport myself to my happy place the beach and prepare for Mom’s scold ing when Yvonne finally lets me out of this detention 7

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