definitely too young to be a doctor yet I’ve probably done this more times in the last two years than she’s had birthdays I sit on the only chair facing away from the tiny thick scratched-up window and count the holes climbing the metal walls in perfectly straight lines as Yvonne seals me inside I only get to twenty-six before static which I assume is actually words buzzes in my ears gradually getting louder until I can actu ally figure out what she’s saying and repeat it to me I know I-know-I-know-I-know She’s new I’m not In this box it feels like the whole hearing thing’s being rubbed in my face the same way kids in my class made fun of me when I botched the words to the R-Jarrow song last year in the Finish the Lyrics contest Seriously R-Jarrow’s my idol Everyone knows it I should have won but I had no idea the lyrics actually say The guy will sing I’ve always thought they were The sky will rain I looked it up online when I got home and sure enough that was the only line of the whole song I got wrong And it wasn’t like it was new I’d been singing it wrong for over a year 2
Whenever kids joked about me losing it felt like a slap in the face a reminder of what I no longer have A lot like I feel now with Yvonne I really hope I can fake-pass this test Maybe that will get Mom off my back and I won’t be stuck either looking like a Martian for the rest of my life or living as a mime Either way it’s a lose-lose situation people are going to stare Yvonne says Say the word airplane From a shelf opposite my chair in the box stuffed animals and a seriously creepy Mickey Mouse like mask watch me Like they’re waiting for me to mess up But this was an easy one Airplane I repeat Say the word hurl Not only do I hear the word but I feel it Deep in my belly Every time I’m locked in here Every time I’m forced to call on my nearly photographic memory by picturing the notebook I keep it’s filled with past words from this test I write them down every time as soon as I get out of this box I try to memorize them hoping for once they’ll reuse some so I for once can leave the Box of Shame without feeling stupid But lately to me stupid feels synonymous with sudden hearing loss Hurl I whisper as my stomach clenches 3
Say the word h n I flip through words stored in my head and beg the tears to stay locked behind my eyeballs I pick a word I clearly visualize on page four Shone Gripping the arms of the chair I force myself not to turn around Force myself not to plaster my eyes against the window to see if Yvonne has marked my answer right or wrong But honestly I don’t need to peek It’s wrong It was probably a th sound not a sh How do I confuse them I sit silently as my ears try to make sense of the next few words but they don’t So I start guessing because I have to make Mom believe I’m fine Or at least prove that I’m not getting worse because I’m not I concentrate closing my eyes blocking every thing out even my own thoughts and strain with all that’s in me to hear the words I can make out the word vine I think No I’m positive I repeat it Then I hear m n Come on Rayne Think Vowels are not easy for me But the m I heard an m The end sounded like an n Moon I blurt before the next word can fill the headphones all while my heart pulls like a rip current I guess on a few more knowing if this were a test in school I’d definitely get an F There’s no grade for 4
effort With my eyes still closed I imagine a perfect barrel wave curling over me my surf board carrying me out of this awful box across the beautiful ocean to a deserted island where it wouldn’t matter if I can hear or not because I’d be the only one there Yvonne yells through the headphones Now you are going to hear a series of beeps Her voice booms so loud it actually hurts my ears I jump and the creepy smile on that Mickey Mouse like mask teases me I want to tell Yvonne that she doesn’t need to shout And she doesn’t need the volume cranked all the way up But she must think I do since I most likely bombed the word test She’s probably thinking Poor girl Surely she’ll be all the way deaf by next week Hurl Hurl Hurl Yes thanks I know how it works I’m hoping she won’t finish the directions Okay um here we go The first beep is loud and shrieky As I push the clicker I picture Mom and the stacks of printouts she downloaded from the internet to show Dr James as if he didn’t already know all there is to know about cochlear implants 5
