The Fizzy Whiz Kid You may not think it’s very hard to start a new school after it’s already begun but you would be very very wrong This has been my experience Weeks before I even get there somebody’s know-it-all mom hears that a new kid me is moving into the neighborhood and will be attending the school She tells her kid Her kid takes this news to the classroom and the rumors about the new kid me start flying I’m a genius I’m a dummy I’m rich I’m poor I was kicked out of my last school I’m in the witness protection program I have an identical twin brother growing out of my left shoulder None of these things is true See Facts About Mitchell Mathis list Then the big day arrives I check in at the office The principal walks me down the hall like a prisoner on his way to his execution The principal opens a door interrupting the class and introduces me He gets my name wrong so I politely correct him After he leaves the teacher finds a seat for me usually one within spitball distance of the meanest kid in the class Then she assigns somebody to be my buddy usually the class egghead For the rest of the day I’m stuck walking around the school with the guy nobody else would be caught dead with who tells me a lot of boring details about the school but leaves out the real important stuff 4
The New Kid STUFF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT A SCHOOL 1 Which bathroom is the good one safest least gross etc 2 Which cafeteria food is nasty and which is okay 3 Which water fountains will spray you in the face and which ones just give a dribble 4 Which yard monitors are the crabbiest 5 Which bullies deliver expert wedgies This last point is important I’ve gotten a lot of wedgies in my day and they are not pleasant But I’ve learned from my mistakes The main thing I’ve learned is that first impressions are everything TEN THINGS NOT TO DO ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A JERK 1 Don’t get a haircut the day before 2 Don’t wear brand-new white sneakers 3 DON’T HAVE YOUR MOM WITH YOU Seriously don’t 4 Don’t wear pants that are too short 5 Don’t wear hats jewelry or cowboy boots 5
The Fizzy Whiz Kid 6 Don’t carry a lunch box with a picture of a TV show on it 7 Don’t reveal that you like opera music 8 If you’re really good at something like for instance juggling don’t juggle until at least a month goes by or people will think you’re a show-off 9 Don’t hang around with the class egghead And most important 10 DON’T STAND OUT But here’s the thing about lists no matter how much you try to use them to prepare yourself sometimes they let you down Sometimes they’re not complete and you don’t know it until it’s too late I went over that list a hundred times but nothing could prepare me for DeMille Elementary I didn’t know it then but I was already doomed My family had just moved to Hollywood California and we hadn’t fully settled in yet Our house was filled with packing boxes and I didn’t know where anything was so we had to buy a backpack even though I already had one that I really liked packed in a box somewhere Of course the stores didn’t have very many backpacks left but I managed to get one that didn’t look too stupid 6
The New Kid Remember First impressions are everything My mom dropped me off at the principal’s office where I met Principal Lang He led me out of the main building and past a bunch of long rectangular buildings called bungalows Each one held two classrooms He opened the door to bungalow twelve and all eyes shifted to the source of the disruption me I can read people pretty well You could even say I’m gifted in that area Those eyes were all saying the same thing I’m glad I’m not you you poor jerk Excuse me Mrs Samuelson Principal Lang said I’d like to introduce your new student This is Matthew Mitchell He’ll be joining your class It’s Mitchell Mathis I said What My last name is Mathis I repeated a little louder Mitch Mathis I’m sorry Anyway Mitchell comes to us from St Paul Minnesota I’m sure everyone here will make him feel welcome Principal Lang paused to admire the autumn wall decorations and then clapped his hands together Well I’ll leave you to it He couldn’t get out of the classroom fast enough Mrs Samuelson was middle-aged with short gray-brown hair glasses and a stocky build and something about her 7
