The Uncanny Express (The Unintentional Adventures of the Bland Sisters Book 2)
Tillie's Tips Fourth Kale is seldom seen without her backpack in which she currently carries Tillie’s Tips a worn little paperback featuring page after page of housekeeping advice supplemented with helpful if slightly dated black-and-white illustrations Kale came across this particular title at the Port Innastorm Library several weeks ago and has already renewed it twice She finds Tillie’s Tips incredibly helpful and of course she finds comfort in knowing that there is someone out there who is more obsessed with cleaning than she is Fifth Jaundice is known to wear a smock featuring an inordinate number of pockets She tends to pop items in her pockets at random providing herself with such treasures as a lone shoelace two or three paper clips a handful of clothespins and a slightly damp kitchen sponge Jaundice does not always remember to empty her pockets before her smock goes into the wash much to the continued chagrin of Kale who does the laundry Other than these few distinctions the Bland Sisters are just about the same Jaundice and Kale pride themselves on their exacting routine After breakfast plain oatmeal with skim milk a cup 2
of weak tepid tea on the side they tend to their business of darning other people’s socks which takes the better part of the day Each allows herself one ten-minute break during which she eats a cheese sandwich on day-old bread or hardtack biscuits thanks to a recipe the Bland Sisters recently acquired and drinks a glass of flat soda while gazing out the window watching the grass grow The Bland Sisters look forward most to the evenings when they entertain themselves by thinking of numbers divisible by three then staring at the wallpaper until they fall asleep Not long ago they enjoyed the nighttime ritual of reading a dictionary aloud to each other since that dictionary left their possession they have decided to broaden their horizons It should be mentioned that Jaundice and Kale have parents Evidently they are adventurers of some sort and send the Bland Sisters accounts of their travels whenever they can get to a mailbox This is fine with Jaundice and Kale as they much prefer reading about adventures to actually having them And besides they are sure their parents will return any day now Certainly one can only be away from the comforts and routines of home for so long In any event not only was nothing happening to the Bland Sisters on this particular day it seemed as if less than nothing was happening Their business of darning other people’s socks had been slow that week so Jaundice and Kale 3
had already finished mending the few they’d been given The daily oatmeal and weak tepid tea and cheese sandwiches and flat soda had been consumed the grass-growing had been observed and the Bland Sisters were several hours away from bedtime and its accompanying rituals Nevertheless they succeeded in passing the time Jaundice found solace in tying knots in a piece of string knots had become her new hobby ever since the Bland Sisters had been tied up by their toes and nearly keelhauled by pirates and Kale occupied herself with her favorite of all chores cleaning the bathroom which she accomplished with her implement of choice an old toothbrush It was in the middle of scrubbing the inside of the toilet tank that Kale suddenly dropped the aforementioned toothbrush Normally this sort of mishap would cause her to cry out as no one not even a Bland Sister wants to have to reach into the murky waters of a toilet tank to retrieve anything But in this case Kale was too preoccupied to make any sort of noise Jaundice she finally called out to her sister Yes Kale Jaundice replied working on a particularly difficult knot I’m having a Feeling Kale announced Jaundice sighed looking up at the ceiling Her sister was always having Feelings It was very 4
trying Not so long ago Kale had a Feeling and the Bland Sisters were subsequently kidnapped by the aforementioned pirates forced into menial labor and stranded if only temporarily on a deserted island Sometimes Jaundice wished her sister would keep her Feelings to herself Did you hear me Kale asked emerging from the bathroom I heard you said Jaundice So what kind of Feeling are we talking about this time I’m having a Feeling something’s about to happen said Kale And what happened after you started having this Feeling Jaundice asked 5
