I don’t think so A baby brother won’t bite my feet off probably But he will be loud And he will be smelly Maizy Durand told me all about baby brothers because she has one I wouldn’t normally trust Maizy Durand because she’s mean and awful but that probably makes her an expert in awful things Like baby brothers I bet she knows a lot about sewer crocodiles too She told me he’ll cry all night long And that he’ll spit up all over the place He’ll make our whole apartment smell like poop She said Mom and Dad won’t do anything fun with me I believe her because the baby isn’t born yet and Mom and Dad already don’t do anything fun with me Mom just walks around with her hand on her back groaning about being sore and tired Dad gives her back rubs and builds dumb baby furniture all day long
When Dad is building dumb baby furniture he says words I’m not allowed to say When I tell him Hey We’re not supposed to say that word he gets mad at me which doesn’t make any sense When I say a bad word I get in trouble And when Dad says a bad word I get in trouble Right this very second Mom is napping on the couch in the living room She’s napping on a perfectly good Friday afternoon when she could be taking me to the Eiffel Tower where I have never been not even once Or the Parc Zoologique de Paris I’ve been there but I want to go again They have penguins The only good thing about the baby is that Mom is always hungry so there are always des pains au chocolat in our kitchen bought fresh every day because Mom says old bread makes her want to vomit Everything makes her want to vomit but I get in trouble when I say that too
Grandma Balthazar cuts one pain au chocolat down the middle and passes half to me You know you didn’t like Paris right away either You complained about the rain and you complained about all the new people and things Remember I do remember But I don’t think we need to bring up things I got in trouble for a billion weeks ago Remember how Mirabel drove you crazy at first And now you’re best friends I remember that too kind of Mirabel Plouffe is my FBFANDN Roxanne is my best friend in Massachusetts It’s nice having best friends in two places It will be like that with your baby brother Maybe you aren’t excited about him now but when you meet him I’m sure you will fall in love just like you did with Paris And I’m sure I won’t I say I scoop some chocolate out of my pain au chocolat and lick it
off my finger Do you want to watch a movie in our pajamas I’m already dressed Grandma Balthazar says And anyway I’m going to a baby boutique to buy a couple of things for your mother’s baby shower I puff out my cheeks like a balloon Do you want to come with me Grandma Balthazar stands up and brings her plate to the sink She’s been trying to get me to buy a gift for Mom’s baby shower for weeks now but it’s not going to work This is part of my protest I’d rather get my feet bit off by sewer crocodiles I stuff the end of the croissant into my mouth before I say something I know will get me in more trouble Suit yourself says Grandma Balthazar She takes her coat off its hook and slides into it But you’re going to need to shop for your own shower gift soon The shower is in two days
