My mom’s eyes got bigger as more and more of my hair covered the floor tiles The growing pile reminded me of the grass trimmings left behind after my parents cut the lawn Cassie are you sure Elena asked Mrs Cadman is this okay I was so sure I was like Mike Trout soaring up in the outfield to make one of those amazing airborne catches and stop a home run It was time to do something Take a jump I guess I’d never thought about the other player the one denied the run The one who shuffles back to the dugout The one who is disappointed because they imagined it would turn out differently I hadn’t thought about my mom Well it’s her hair said my mom in a tiny voice like she couldn’t get enough air When Elena was done I ran my hand over my hair It was cut to just below my ears but not buzzed or spiky so it felt smooth and cool I ran my fingers along the bare skin on the back of my neck My head felt light and free My mom picked up a piece of my hair from the salon floor and tucked it into her purse Our eyes met in the mirror but we didn’t say anything She went over to the counter where Elena was ringing up the 4 JENNY MANZER
cost of the haircut Elena was singing along under her breath to the pop music piped in cheerful as ever like it was no big deal that I’d just had all my hair shorn off Lots of ball players wear their hair long flowing down past their helmets A few have bald or shaved heads like Albert Pujols or Adrián Beltré But they all have their own style Now I had mine In the car on the way to practice I knew I had something else to say Mom I said I’d like you to call me Caz like my baseball nickname Cassie this has gone far enough You’re my daughter and I named you Cassandra Your friends can call you Caz but I’ll call you Cassie Cassie is a girl’s name Mom I don’t want a girl’s name My mom darted into a spot at the ballpark crookedly her hands gripping the steering wheel She cranked up the parking brake Cassie you are a girl She stared at me looking confused as if fog were steaming a window between us and she couldn’t quite see me My mom has soft brown eyes and shoulder-length hair the same shade as mine She wears one little swipe of lipstick and that’s it 5 MY LIFE AS A DIAMOND
Mom I said my breath heaving out and making a whooshing sound like a fastball past your ear I don’t think I am a girl M And not long after that almost everything changed I decided my new full name would be Caspar My dad got a new job flying planes for an American company We moved from our house in Toronto all the way to Washington State a place with lots of rain and hardly any snow I left my own baseball team the Leslieville Lightning I left my favorite major league team the Toronto Blue Jays My dad let me see one last game at Rogers Centre and I cried when the players came out and even for ACE the Blue Jays mascot with his number 00 That was what happened to me when we moved My dial was set back to 00 We went thousands of miles away where nobody knew us And only my mom my dad my dog and I knew I had ever been called Cassandra 6 JENNY MANZER
The Tryout There were things I missed about home I missed my best friend Matt I missed some of the boys on my house-league team the Lightning but not all of them Definitely not all of them I missed the ballpark where I’d played since I was four starting with T-ball I moved on to baseball when I was five joining a group of seven-year-olds I’d worked my way up to play on the Red Devils an all-star team They named a hot dog The Devil Dog at my local ballpark after the Red Devils because we were that good I was the only girl on the team but everyone was cool with it because of my arm That girl’s got some arm they always said The hot dog was epic There was nothing better than eating one after winning a game So there were good memories 7
