headed out I was flat-out stunning No lie My reflection agreed too But when I arrived at the tea party ready for reverence everything was wrong First of all the table was a disaster I could see that the pigs had gotten out all of the fancy cutlery plates cups and napkins I had asked for Maybe they had even set the table nicely like I’d instructed But something awful must have happened before I got there it looked like a hurricane had blown through and destroyed everything There were broken dishes and smashed crumpets on the floor The flowers were all chewed up and what was supposed to be tea but looked way more like super-icky muddy water was leaking all over the tablecloth Ew Handsome Pig was standing by the door and looking down He’s the smartest of my minions which isn’t terribly smart He calls himself Handsome because he found a crazy wig that he wears all the time and he thinks it makes him look dashing 10
My Princess we wanted to surprise you he burbled That’s the other thing about Handsome Pig he adores me He more than adores me He will do ANYTHING I say But he could not undo what had already been done I asked him if there had been an invasion or an earthquake or a tsunami that somehow missed my tower room How did this happen I demanded Handsome Pig tried to hide behind his hair This was not meant for your eyes My Beauty he groveled I’m not Your Beauty I snapped back Then I looked closer and noticed that there were berry stains on Handsome Pig’s snout and a flower stem stuck in his teeth In fact there were berry stains on all of the pigs faces That’s when I knew what had happened without anyone saying a word feeding frenzy Those pigs just can’t resist food They must have pigged out before I even arrived And that is so not cool 12
So I did what I had to do I threw a Class A hissy fit right then and there I had no choice How will those pigs ever learn if I don’t demonstrate my disappointment I pitched a purple princess temper tantrum and let me tell you that is not something anyone should take lightly Of course when I stopped screaming the pigs with their curly tails all tucked in and their ears flattened back all tried to convince me they could fix everything and started telling me how great I looked Every porker in the place was scrambling to make me a plate of food clean off my throne or find a cup that wasn’t broken It was pathetic But the truth It was also kinda nice That’s the thing about the pigs They may be clumsy and messy and prone to feeding frenzies but they totally worship me unlike others who will not be mentioned The pigs know I am the only true princess of Golden Island unlike others who will not be mentioned and that I am 13
