Angry Birds Stella: Dahlia and the Ultimate Invention
my pants boil water for experiments in a baked bean tin Or tie machine parts together with knicker elastic I mean what exactly is scientific about Handsome Pig’s pants Apart from the enormity and smell of them Is it any wonder my inventions have a habit of going just a little bit off-course too sexy for Take my Pig Putter-Offer with handy sunglass hook and cherryade storage system designed to scare the pigs away from digging in island beauty spots as well as meet your refreshment and sun avoidance needs on particularly balmy days Only the cherryade all leaked out the sunglass hook got caught on Stella’s tail feathers and 10
pulled several out in the process This resulted in high decibel squawking which would have been loud enough without the noise from the hidden horn which was so colossal that it blew the top off my observatory Willow was also mumbling that it upset her biorhythms which I have explained to her several times are not actually scientific but she says the unicorns believe in them and that’s all that matters to her And there really is nothing a scientist can say to that And the pigs Didn’t even blink thanks to the silver earmuffs Gale had made them wear in order to brighten up her view 11
Or take my Patented Perch Tidier with optional hot lemon-scented towel dispenser for those overheating housework situations I just know this would have scored high on the Scale of Scientific Superbness if only the towel-dispensing mechanism fashioned from a tin-opener a ping-pong ball and a sink plunger hadn’t gone rusty and started shooting towels all over Stella’s perch until it looked like an explosion in a flannel factory Or how about my All-Singing Clock-o-Matic Carpet-Cleaning Snackarama which could give you the time to the tune of forty-seven different popular songs on the Piggy Island Hot 100 vacuum the floor and offer you roasted peanuts toasted marshmallows or soup-in-a-cup I can’t even bring myself to write down again the many and varied ways this experiment failed but let’s just say it was sticky soupy and someone ended up with a slightly singed bottom 12
None of these are actually factually my fault but down to incalculable scientific circumstances and possibly outsider interference naming no names Poppy But still a bird can’t help feeling a nanoparticle despondent But today will change all that Today I will invent an invention that will change the course of history Or at least not blow up before bedtime It will be utterly scienterrific which I know isn’t an actual word but I invented it and doesn’t it sound super Or maybe I’ll invent it just as soon as I’ve had my breakfast Because as all birds know or at least the scienterrific ones the old grey matter simply cannot function without a proper nutritional start to the day Anyone who’s seen Stella after she’s skipped her Choco Flakes will tell you that time 13 23pm Experiment 4996 A machine to track down a lost bird 13
