Preamble to Rules for a Successful Life as an Undercover Secret Agent Life as an undercover agent can be stressful lonely and dangerous These rules were written by an agent-in-training to help guide you when you feel out of sorts They’re not meant to replace your Academy training Use Rules for a Successful Life as an Undercover Secret Agent to remind yourself how to act in difficult situations Like Rule Number 15 says Be in control All the rules are important some more so than others depending on the situation The most important rule of all is Rule Number 3 Trust your instincts Unless your instincts are often wrong If that’s the case Number 29 is a good rule to keep in mind Anticipate surprises Also remember that Murphy is always correct and you’ll be fine Rule Number 17 Rule Number 12 will get you out of sticky situations Always have an escape plan Your country thanks you for your service While your name will never be known your actions reflect upon all of us secret agents for better or worse Sometimes you might feel a bit dreary toiling away in anonymity On the bright side no one will ever know if you make a mistake Unless you start a war Don’t start a war unless explicitly directed to by your commanding officer Then double-check to make sure he she is not being controlled by the enemy Rule Number 4 Trust no one and have a great day Compiled and written by Agent-in-Training Sunflower age ten
1 Live in a quiet and remote small town where everyone thinks they already know the real you Don’t give them a reason to change their minds Rule Number 1 from Rules for a Successful Life as an Undercover Secret Agent The first hit on my window was tentative like maple leaves tapping against the glass during a gentle rain The second thud was harder The third sounded like someone had thrown a rock wrapped in a sock soft but with force Since it didn’t seem like the barrage was stopping anytime soon thunk and might actually crack the glass I dropped my book The Fulton Sisters Adventure Number 87 and got up from my bed Samantha and April Fulton would just have to stay stuck swirling around their mysterious wormhole until I got back to them I pushed the window open and a pinecone whizzed by me Who’s there I called as I looked through the branches of the old wild apple tree The gold and red leaves blocked part of the view of my backyard but movement on the left caught my attention Mabel what are you doing Stanley Brick stepped out from between two huge Douglas firs and dropped a pinecone What are you doing I said before I remembered exactly why he was using my window for target practice Recently Stanley had gotten tired of knocking on my front door since no one ever answered it It was hard to hear the knocking from my room and my parents weren’t home often so I’d suggested we try something new The signal You’re doing the signal He nodded And I’m supposed to give the counter-signal That was our plan Stanley picked up a different pinecone and tossed it from hand to hand as if testing it to see if it was ready to launch Sorry I was reading Adventure Number Eighty-Seven I said
Have you gotten to the part where Samantha and April meet the waitress who is secretly a ninja who rescues lost children No I covered my ears Don’t say another word Stanley nodded again this time in understanding A clean-enough hoodie was on top of a clothing pile so I put it on OK Ready now I called out before closing the window Stanley threw the next pinecone Thunk I flipped the lights on and off twice my counter signal and headed downstairs Six giant cinnamon buns sat on the kitchen counter I sighed and thought Pity buns for breakfast Again I know most people would be happy to find homemade goodies in their kitchen on a Saturday morning And I was sort of Aunt Gertie made the cinnamon buns because she knew they were my absolute favorite treat But it was the third time she’d baked them this week and the fact that she’d made them again meant that my parents were still away saving the world on one of their top secret missions Good for the world lonely for me There’s a limit to the amount of self-pity that can be wiped away by sugar and cinnamon I hadn’t reached it yet but if my parents didn’t come home soon I might I was lucky to have Aunt Gertie stay with me That was our family’s protocol whenever my parents were away protocol rules for how to get things done in certain situations Aunt Gertie had left hours ago to open the Star’s Tale her café and knickknack shop where she served coffee and pastries to the hordes of day-trippers and hardcore backpackers making their way to Mount Rainier for one last fall hike I ran through the kitchen sliding across the wooden floor and opened the back door to let Stanley in He was in full hiking gear even though we were only going to our favorite tree grove about a forty-five minute walk from here Though he’d never been a Boy Scout Stanley was always prepared The pockets of his forest-green vest bulged with maps a compass and a tube of sunscreen In his backpack he kept a variety of items like sunglasses snacks water extra clothes a flashlight a first-aid kit matches and a pocketknife Before I could join him outside on the porch the rich aroma of cinnamon and sugar had lured him inside Are your parents awake Stanley whispered as he made a beeline for the buns I’m pretty sure I heard his stomach growl
Dodging Stanley’s question I shrugged grabbed a bun and started eating Though it was a pity bun it was warm gooey and made with love and that made my belly happy I zoned out thinking about what my parents might be up to at this very moment The truth was I had no idea whether my parents were awake or even what time zone they were in My parents worked as top secret agents a special type of spy known as Cleaners They would go into really bad situations around the world to clean up messes made by other spies One time my parents had to erase video footage of the original spies sneaking into a forbidden area and walking out with documents clearly marked Top Secret Sure the actual Cleaners work only took twenty minutes or so my mom was a whiz at hacking video surveillance systems but my parents had to physically remove the hard drive containing the back-up video According to Dad he was in and out in fewer than seven minutes The real time-eater was the flight to the other side of the Earth sixteen hours and five minutes each way My parents never gave me too many specifics but spy work of any kind sounded dangerous and fun and more exciting than their cover stories On the surface my parents sounded boring Even their names were snore-inducing Fred and Jane Pear My father maintained old telephone lines that run through Mount Rainier National Park and Mount Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest He also repaired cell phone towers Sometimes Mom went to keep him company At least there was one exciting thing about his cover job He got to pilot small planes Mom could pilot too just not for her cover job My mother was the curator for our family’s private museum Le Petit Musée of Antique Silver Spoons She spent her days looking at old stuff mostly spoons and filling out paperwork Lots of paperwork Why a spoon museum It’d been in our family for generations My great-great grandfather used to travel a lot He would bring my great-great-grandmother a commemorative silver spoon from wherever he was When the kitchen drawers were stuffed with more than a thousand spoons my great-great-grandma bought the house next door put the spoons on display and charged admission She called it Le Petit Musée because she thought it sounded sophisticated She didn’t know the French words for old silver spoon Is it OK if I have another bun Stanley asked breaking into my thoughts I nodded as I continued to uncoil mine its sugar and cinnamon melting on my tongue with each
