Nikki Tate Climbing well My left leg is quivering and climbing well is feeling less and less important as each breath I suck in gets more panicky There’s a hold by my left knee I can get there with my left foot Done Then a smooth reach up to the decent shell-shaped grip above my right hand Shift my weight off my right foot so it can move off to the side Yes Brace against the wall No hold there but balance balance Good You’ve got this no problem I make the mistake of glancing down at Lissy’s upturned face so far below me Don’t I whisper turning my head back to focus on the anchor just above Two more moves and I will be there I am balanced and held securely by the rope tied with that perfect knot at the front of my harness It is perfect isn’t it I did check didn’t I My breathing is faster now rough and shallow My tongue presses against the roof of my mouth Everything is dry dry dry Am I hydrated enough What if 4
Deadpoint I lose consciousness Can’t that happen if you get dehydrated What if I slip Let go Breathe you idiot You’ve done this before Even though there’s nobody else on the routes to either side of me I barely move my lips as I whisper to myself Come on Ayla You can do this My mom is waiting outside I close my eyes and try to swallow except there is nothing to swallow Ayla There’s a good hold for your left foot just over to the side See it Near the top of the wall is the worst place to get stuck Up here nothing makes sense Up here my reptile brain is screaming at me that the rope will snap the anchor will break free my belayer’s mother will charge into the gym and make her drop the rope I will fall and I will die Or wind up in a body so broken I will spend the next fifty years wishing I had died And when my brain starts to think like this there is no logic It’s not like I can just pull myself together It doesn’t matter that the knot on 5
Nikki Tate my harness is as secure as it was when I started up the wall Or that my belayer has never let me down It doesn’t even matter that I have climbed this wall before My heart turns over in the tight space inside my chest Most climbing accidents happen at the end of a session People push too hard They are tired That’s when mistakes get made The little brass bell at the top of the wall the one I should be able to get to and ring is so close I can see the tiny clapper the delicate chain suspending the bell from a hook right at the top I won’t be ringing it tonight Take I call down Need a rest Lissy asks as she takes the slack out of the rope I feel a comforting tug at my waist as she holds me safe Lower I answer But you’re almost there Two more moves I’m done I lean back into the harness push my feet against the wall and let go of the hold Bring me down 6
Deadpoint I can imagine Lissy’s thoughts as she begins to lower me and the ground inches closer She’s thinking I will never be a great climber that she is wasting her time coming to the gym with me She’s thinking I should take up another sport Something easier Something safer Soccer maybe Or golf My feet touch down beside her and she grins Good fight she says Next time You’ll nail it next time Standing beside her safe on the ground her words seem reasonable Thanks But what I’m thinking is that it’s getting harder and harder to find reasons to come to the gym Would our friendship survive if one day I walked out of the gym and never came back 7
