Nikki Tate rope as I climb Even though the music is blaring through the gym speakers I can hear her just fine But nothing blocks out the voice in my head the one that always starts nagging as I get near the top of the wall Seven things the voice reminds me In a bad accident an average of seven things will go wrong Are you ready to die I lean back away from the wall my arms straight to help save what little strength I have left You can do this Lissy shouts up to me What I should be thinking about is where to put my feet Which of the small blue knobby holds will give me the best route to the top Instead I look down at the knot snug at the front of my climbing harness This is my end of the same rope that loops up to the top of the wall and back down to Lissy If that knot slips if the rope snaps if Lissy gets distracted and lets go if I fall But any one of those things is not likely to happen alone That’s the point of the seven-factors-behind-every-disaster theory 2
Deadpoint Both Lissy and I would have to forget to double-check the knot Something weird would have to happen to distract Lissy One of the gazillion boys Lissy likes would have to phone her and her phone would have to be turned on with the ringer loud enough for her to hear At the same time the music in the gym would have to be so loud that I wouldn’t notice she was being distracted Maybe there were already seven factors I didn’t even know about all lined up Maybe I was about to plummet back ward toward the ground with no hope of surviving Come on Ayla Christmas is coming I let go with my left hand and reach around behind me to dip into my chalk bag Sweaty fingers won’t help with the final few moves Maybe sweaty fingers is factor number seven I’ll slip off the hold take an awkward fall and distracted Lissy will be caught off guard at the same moment she stops to unkink her neck Just go This isn’t about speed Not tonight It’s about getting it right 3
Nikki Tate Climbing well My left leg is quivering and climbing well is feeling less and less important as each breath I suck in gets more panicky There’s a hold by my left knee I can get there with my left foot Done Then a smooth reach up to the decent shell-shaped grip above my right hand Shift my weight off my right foot so it can move off to the side Yes Brace against the wall No hold there but balance balance Good You’ve got this no problem I make the mistake of glancing down at Lissy’s upturned face so far below me Don’t I whisper turning my head back to focus on the anchor just above Two more moves and I will be there I am balanced and held securely by the rope tied with that perfect knot at the front of my harness It is perfect isn’t it I did check didn’t I My breathing is faster now rough and shallow My tongue presses against the roof of my mouth Everything is dry dry dry Am I hydrated enough What if 4
Deadpoint I lose consciousness Can’t that happen if you get dehydrated What if I slip Let go Breathe you idiot You’ve done this before Even though there’s nobody else on the routes to either side of me I barely move my lips as I whisper to myself Come on Ayla You can do this My mom is waiting outside I close my eyes and try to swallow except there is nothing to swallow Ayla There’s a good hold for your left foot just over to the side See it Near the top of the wall is the worst place to get stuck Up here nothing makes sense Up here my reptile brain is screaming at me that the rope will snap the anchor will break free my belayer’s mother will charge into the gym and make her drop the rope I will fall and I will die Or wind up in a body so broken I will spend the next fifty years wishing I had died And when my brain starts to think like this there is no logic It’s not like I can just pull myself together It doesn’t matter that the knot on 5
