CONTENTS Writing Down My Rules How I Became Emperor Ruling in this Life and the Next Everyone in their Place Power to the People Not Likely Protecting My Position My Lavish Lifestyle Building My Capital Being a Bad Neighbor I Order You to Have Fun My Powerful Death Gods and Goddesses Ten More Fiendish Emperors Index 6 8 10 12 14 16 18 20 22 24 26 28 30 32
Writing Down My Rules Writing Down My Rules I am a Roman emperor and have ruled my vast empire for many years MY SUBJECTS MUST OBEY ME After all I give them bread to eat I entertain them in my circuses too I am very wise to keep them happy But I am also a bit old So I need to teach my son all my rules before he becomes Emperor My scribes are writing them down carefully MY RULES MUST BE WRITTEN CLEARLY My scribes begin using the best papyrus paper and ink I can hear their reed pens scratching away My chief scribe watches over them I do not want any hidden jokes or ink blots I am now lying down to ease my aches and pains I feel death just around the corner The scribes must work quickly I call for a priest He wrings his hands at the thought of my death He takes some fine food to the altar of the Parcae the Fates who decide when we die The priest asks him how long I have got There is no reply I feel sick with worry My trusted consul a top official now fetches the royal doctor He is from Greece like many doctors here in Rome My last doctor prescribed unwashed wool for a sore eye and I stank all day So I banished him to far-off Britain 6
My new doctor tells me that my four humors are unbalanced These humors are black bile which is vomit yellow bile which is diarrhea blood and phlegm or spit The doctor advises me to eat less fat and do more exercise I should drink herbal medicine to upset my stomach and he offers to scorch my skin with a hot iron I simply refuse to eat less fat and do more exercise Is he trying to kill me The scribes have laid down their pens They are blowing the ink dry on my final words The rules are clear My work is done I know my son will thank me for these rules I hope you do too OR ELSE 7
