never talked like that before Over the next few days Mum talked at length with Nan about the different peoplewe had met Nan feigned disinter est but we knew it was just a bluff She was desperately interested in everything we had to say but she didn't want to let her feelings show In manyways she wasa veryprivate person One night when they were alone Mum told Nan how Annie her mother and a lot of the other older ones from Corunna Downs had died at Shaw River She had Lilywith her Mum said Annie wasn't alone when she died she had some of her people with her Nan nodded There were tears in her eyes Her lips were set Do any of them remember me she asked wistfully They all do Mum said Theyall remember you Do you remember Topsy and another woman called Nancy They said they lived with you and Annie on Corunna They still alive Nan asked in disbelief Yes Nanjustshookher head I'm going to bed she muttered Mum cried herself to sleep that night Afew weeks later I tackled Nan about being able to speak two languages We had discovered that when Nan was at Corunna she must have spoken two similar languages Balgoo and Naml l had once heard my Great-uncle Arthur and Nan speaking together in their own language but Nan had been very annoyed about it She was still unwilling to discuss the subject She wouldn't be drawn further There'd been a slight change a softening but she wasstillunwilling to share the personal details of her life with us Do you reckon Jack Grime really is your father 1asked Mum one daywhen we were alone together Oh I don't know Sally Mum sighed Aunty Judy said you're the image of Jack Grime That'd Oh I don't know people can look like one another but be some sort of proof wouldn't it it doesn't have to mean they're related 15
we look at it see ifyou do look alike the large mirrors in the doors of my wardrobe anything like him There's no resemblance at all Hey I know I'vegot a photo ofJack a big one whydon't I don't want to do that Goon We'llhold it uptothe bigmirror in my room You can putyour headnext toitandwe'llseeifyoulooklikehim Oh all right Mum giggled why not Within minutes Mum and Iand the photowereallfacing Well that was a dead loss I said You don't look He doesn't look like any of you kids either does he Naah Iagreed Hang ona tick I'llget another picture I returned Quickly Okay I said face the mirror Mum frontedup to the mirrorand tried not to laugh She Suddenly I held up a photograph of Howden as a young My God I whispered He's the spitting image ofyou Mum was shocked I can't believe it she said Why haven't I ever noticed this before I've seen that picture hundreds of times felt silly man next to her face We both fell into silence I suppose it never occurred to you He couldn't be your father as well as Nan's You know featurescanskipageneration SayhewasNan'sfather well you could have inherited those looks from that Oh I don't know Sally Mum sighed It's such a puzzle Nearlyall my life I've desperatelywanted to knowwho my fatherwas but now Icouldn'tcare less Whyshould1bother with whoever it was They never bothered with me That's been the recent history of Aboriginal people all along Mum Kidsrunningaround notknowingwhofathered them Those early pioneers they've a lot to answer for Yes Iknow but IthinknowI'mbetteroffwithout allthat business ThosewonderfulpeopleupNorth theyallclaimed me Well that's all I want That's enough you see I don't want to belong to anyone else Me neither We walkedback to the lounge-room Aftera fewseconds 16
silence Mum said SaL What Aw nothing It doesn't matter I hate it when you do that Come on out with it we-ett You know when we were at Corunna talking to old Jack he told us he'd met someone called Daisy in 1923 a half-castegirl lie said she was pregnant Do you thinkthat could have been Nanna Dunno Iasked her the other day ifshe'd ever been back North but she just got mad with me But if it was her Mum do you think you might have a brother or sister somewhere She nodded But surely Nan would have told you Not if she wasn't allowed to keep it This is terrible I eyed her keenly T here's something you're not telling me isn't there Mum composed herself then said The other nightwhen Iwas in bed I had thissort of flashback to when Iwas little I'd been pestering Nanna asking her why I didn't have a brother or a sister when she put her arms around me and whispered Quietly You have a sister Then she held me really tight When she let me go I saw she was crying I couldn't say anything We both sat in silence Finally Mum said I'm going to ask her A few days later Mum broached the subject with Nan only to be met with anger and abuse Nan locked herself in her room saying Let the past be I'll never know now Mum told me later She won't tell me You mustn't give up What does your gut feeling tell you Oh Sally you're like a detective How do I know my gut feeling isn't pure imagination What does it tell you I persisted She sighed It tells me I've got a sister I've had that feeling all my life from when I was very small that I had a sister somewhere If only I could find her 17
Then J believe what you feel is true Mum laughed You're a romantic Be logical shecouldstillbealive ifshewasborn in 1923 she'dbeinhersixties now Also ifNanhadher upNorth she couldhave been brought upbythe people round there or a white family could have adopted her Sally you talkas though we'll find her one day but it's impossible We don't even have a name Nothing's impossible There's been so much sadness in my life Mum said I don't think I can takeany more You want to talk about it Mum had never told me everythingabout herearlylife Iknewthatshehadbeensent toa children's homewhen shewaslittle but that wasabout all You mean for your book Yes WelL she hesitated for a moment Then with sudden determination shesaid Whyshouldn't I Iff staysilent like Nanna it's like sayingeverything'sall right Peopleshould knowwhatit'sbeenlike orsomeonelikeme Thenshesaid Who knows Perhaps my sister will read it 18
