2 CANNED AND CRUSHED school which stinks Anybody with an early September birthday really gets a raw deal I mean Cheese Whiz the birthday policy isn’t even up and running by the first day of school And how do you know which kids might be cool enough to invite to your birthday party I only started at Lincoln Elemen tary last year in the spring when we moved across town so it’s tough to judge who’s cool and who isn’t Of course by the second week of school things are sorted out Then those lucky birthday buzzards get to wear a crown and the whole class sings to them Maybe they even get a birthday pencil And if I did get to have a party which I never do by then I’d know exactly who to leave off the invite list For starters someone whose initials are A K Not that my birthday is a big deal I’m not Abiola Kahn for crying out loud In third grade Abiola’s par ents brought pizza and goodie bags to school to celebrate their princess There were little flower erasers for the girls and soccer ball erasers for the boys Overboard I say Of course if you want to make friends and win enemies pizza and goodie bags are a start But I’m off track here let’s get back to explaining about myself I’m supposed to be in fifth grade I know what you’re thinking And no I didn’t flunk When I was five I lived in Mexico and the school in my town didn’t have a kin dergarten So when I registered here instead of putting
BIBI BELFORD 3 me in first grade where I belonged they stuck me in kindergarten And look how well it worked I’m smart and bilingual and the oldest of all the fourth graders in my class My hair is jet black I got that color name from a label on one of my little sister’s crayons Jet Black It sounds cool Of course I’ve never seen a black jet have you I remember the jet we took here from Mexico purple with an orange sun on the side Maybe fighter jets are jet black So here I am standing in the hallway I’m not sure why I need to explain myself to Miss Hamilton She can plainly see I’m four feet two-and-a-half inches tall and good-looking with my jet black hair that is past my jet black eyebrows because I need a haircut Maybe I should start by explaining the things she can’t see Like how someday I want to be a professional soccer player And also an inventor I’m always thinking of better ways to make stuff Take for example a can of soda Wouldn’t it be great to have a fizz meter on it At a party when no parents are watching you could turn it up and shoot soda spray up into the air or drink it so fast that your burps are louder than drag racers And in the lunch room at school you could calibrate it to shoot discreetly at certain annoying girls sitting across from you at the lunch table
4 CANNED AND CRUSHED Uh-oh Here comes Miss Hamilton now Watch and learn compadres Sandro Yes Are you ready to explain yourself Now here’s something that really bugs me about teachers and grown-ups in general They ask you a question but before you can answer the first question they become a pitching machine and start firing ques tions at you or worse they answer for you Sandro do you make these stories up for attention To get a laugh Do you think you’re funny Of course I’m not going to correct a teacher when she’s on a roll but that last comment was erroneous Now that’s an impressive word isn’t it As you can see I’m working on my vocabulary I could just say false but erroneous made you sit up and take notice didn’t it Yah I thought so Anyway the whole class thought my answer was hysterical even though I wasn’t trying to be funny Abiola practically fell out of her perfect little desk laughing uproariously her long braid waving frantically I think that’s what got to Miss Hamilton Maybe Miss Hamilton doesn’t have a sense of humor It’s a little early in the school year to tell Here’s what I’ve learned in my four years of elementary school experience so far Squeeze your
BIBI BELFORD 5 eyebrows together Keep your lips tightly closed and nod your head like you suddenly see things from the teacher’s perspective Miss Hamilton’s shoulders shifted down when I did my little trick and she moved her arms from her hips to crisscrossing her stomach That’s another good sign by the way Okay Sandro Tell me the truth In Charlotte’s Web Fern’s father makes a living by farming How does your father make a living I can see through the window in the door that the class is starting to lose it while we’re out in the hall My friend Miguel shot a three pointer with his crumpled paper wad Jazzy made a fish face at me in the window of the door and Rafe is catapulting pencils off his desk I wonder what Lorenzo is doing over by the sink I’m thinking fast How should I answer this For one thing why is a person’s job described as a living Living is breathing with your heart pumping Is a person without a job dying Are these questions violations of some privacy law Do I need a lawyer Is this a courtroom Raise your hand and tell the truth The whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God Okay I might be overreacting I mean this is only mildly annoying except I do want to stick up for my dad It’s the principle of the thing And speaking of principles I really don’t want to be sent to the principal
