This book is dedicated to the students of District 131 who have enriched my life and taught me more than I ever taught them and to my colleagues who work hard to ignite a passion for reading every day
CHAPTER 1 Explain Yourself So you notice I’m standing in the hall Yes I’m in trouble You probably want to know why Thirty seconds ago I told Miss Hamilton my teacher with six toes on her right foot that my dad’s job was help ing dead animals She told me to go to the hall and be ready to explain myself But how should I start to explain myself I mean in your opinion How would you explain yourself I’m four feet two-and-a-half inches tall Shorter than most of the boys in my class but taller than at least five girls so at least there’s that I’m eleven years and two weeks old I had my birthday on the first day of 1
2 CANNED AND CRUSHED school which stinks Anybody with an early September birthday really gets a raw deal I mean Cheese Whiz the birthday policy isn’t even up and running by the first day of school And how do you know which kids might be cool enough to invite to your birthday party I only started at Lincoln Elemen tary last year in the spring when we moved across town so it’s tough to judge who’s cool and who isn’t Of course by the second week of school things are sorted out Then those lucky birthday buzzards get to wear a crown and the whole class sings to them Maybe they even get a birthday pencil And if I did get to have a party which I never do by then I’d know exactly who to leave off the invite list For starters someone whose initials are A K Not that my birthday is a big deal I’m not Abiola Kahn for crying out loud In third grade Abiola’s par ents brought pizza and goodie bags to school to celebrate their princess There were little flower erasers for the girls and soccer ball erasers for the boys Overboard I say Of course if you want to make friends and win enemies pizza and goodie bags are a start But I’m off track here let’s get back to explaining about myself I’m supposed to be in fifth grade I know what you’re thinking And no I didn’t flunk When I was five I lived in Mexico and the school in my town didn’t have a kin dergarten So when I registered here instead of putting
BIBI BELFORD 3 me in first grade where I belonged they stuck me in kindergarten And look how well it worked I’m smart and bilingual and the oldest of all the fourth graders in my class My hair is jet black I got that color name from a label on one of my little sister’s crayons Jet Black It sounds cool Of course I’ve never seen a black jet have you I remember the jet we took here from Mexico purple with an orange sun on the side Maybe fighter jets are jet black So here I am standing in the hallway I’m not sure why I need to explain myself to Miss Hamilton She can plainly see I’m four feet two-and-a-half inches tall and good-looking with my jet black hair that is past my jet black eyebrows because I need a haircut Maybe I should start by explaining the things she can’t see Like how someday I want to be a professional soccer player And also an inventor I’m always thinking of better ways to make stuff Take for example a can of soda Wouldn’t it be great to have a fizz meter on it At a party when no parents are watching you could turn it up and shoot soda spray up into the air or drink it so fast that your burps are louder than drag racers And in the lunch room at school you could calibrate it to shoot discreetly at certain annoying girls sitting across from you at the lunch table
