THE WANDERERS changing rooms Not that many shifters are all that con cerned about others seeing them naked something I have never been comfortable with Some of the curtains back here that make up these areas are created from old materials worn holey blankets we can’t use anymore the waterproof fabric from umbrel las left behind at the end of the night Some have holes in them some are frayed along the edges some smell damp and moldy causing a lingering musky scent in the tent No this circus is definitely not glamorous It’s a wonder that anyone actually comes to watch us Though I suppose they don’t know how bad it smells until they get here by which time they’ve already paid The elders are strict on keeping the audience area looking nice so at least they don’t see what we see Out there four rows of wooden benches in a semi-circle face the ring The first row is ground level then they go up up up The last two rows are perfect for crawling under neath and taking people’s belongings on a slow night a cell phone a fancy pair of leather gloves a wallet from a coat pocket not that I have any part in that kind of thing We don’t steal every night but if money’s tight and the cir cus isn’t making much which it doesn’t and we’re run ning low on food which we are what else are we to do We have to survive somehow and our options are limited I move from foot to foot The lions are almost done now so I sink back into the shadows a little more From my place behind the curtain I have a perfect view of the ring but nobody can see me I am invisible or at least 4
DUST Y CU RTA INS that’s how it seems I can hear everything see everything feel everything The rest of the circus members don’t really come here near the audience They all hang out outside at the back of the tent in the changing areas or by the stage entrance We have a cast of nineteen members with another twelve not yet old enough to perform That number changes all the time with newcomers the ones that grow up form their own packs and move on and the odd few stupid enough to run away Oh sure I’ve thought about it myself In fact I’ve thought about it almost every day for the past few weeks with my first performance creeping up on me But I’m not dumb enough to actually risk it Now that I’ve turned sixteen I’m required to take part in the performances And as the newest performer my act is the finale I have to suffer through the entire thing before it’s my turn to go up I can’t think of anything worse for my nerves They’ll introduce me to the crowd and I’ll take my place in the ring Not as a girl though My limbs tingle in antici pation but my mind shuts down the thought I’ve been practicing for this moment for so long but I’m still not ready and I feel like I never will be My tongue feels as dry as sandpaper my throat as scratchy It shouldn’t be this hard Everyone keeps telling me the nerves will get better fade with the more performances I do the more experience I get But that doesn’t help me now not tonight Not at this moment when I’m seconds away from my first appearance And now I hear from the other side of the curtain My stomach drops That was both the longest and the 5
THE WANDERERS fastest ten minutes of my life It’s actually time to go out there My knuckles are white squeezing the material and my palms sweat onto the fabric The moment you have all been waiting for I am proud to introduce the newest addition to the show Me The crowd explodes with applause They whistle and cheer in their excitement captivated by the experience of the circus I’d probably be doing the same if I were one of them seeing it for the first time unaware of the secrets hid den behind the dusty curtains I really should move start to make my way up but my feet are glued to the ground sinking into the mud mud I hope will swallow me whole The sound of clapping starts to fade then dies down completely I’m introduced again but I still don’t move an inch I’m safe standing here in my robe It’s familiar Not like out there not in front of all those people I can imagine Nora’s face right now she’ll be embarrassed angry standing there with her arms up in the air frozen in a moment of uncertainty She’s the strictest of the elders always quickest to lose her temper The general unofficial rule is to avoid her altogether Move I think Get out there Get it out of the way Everyone else did it My breathing racks my entire body My legs are numb and unresponsive to my mind’s commands to move go walk anything Someone will come and get me any second surely 6
DUST Y CU RTA INS I’ve forgotten everything though I can’t remember my act the sequence the cues Blank I can’t even remember how to shift though I’ve been doing it most of my life I don’t think I’d even be able to handle fading the music in and out the way I’m feeling right now The darkness back here becomes suffocating closing in around me The dusty air fills my throat and tickles my nose The tent smells of hot dogs and buttery popcorn making my stomach turn over It’s a cold night but the air in the tent is thick and humid I feel like everything is in super focus every sense overwhelmed I need to get out of here My mind is made I’m leaving the tent but before I can even turn around someone’s hand touches my arm No The touch is gentle though nonthreatening Still all I can think is Someone’s found me I missed my chance I hold my breath and wait for what comes next Will they talk me into performing or simply drag me out there Whoever it is soft touch or not no one will let me get away with leaving this tent It’s like I’m the only one here who’s pretending Flo are you okay says the person behind me I can breathe again Jett Momentarily relaxed by his presence I take a peek back through the curtains at the fidgeting audience and an angry-looking ringmaster Nora’s seething I can tell by the way her lips are pursed her eyebrows pulled together Her gaze searches the darkness looking closely at the curtains I step back and let go before she sees me 7
