Love, Lucas

Love, Lucas — page 7 — I think about her offer Even though I’ll miss Dad I’d love to get away I could leave my depressing life behind for the spring and maybe heal a little before I have to decide what to do with my life College and all that crap I’ll leave my house and put all the memories of Lucas and my old friends and their whispers behind my back It would be nice to get away from it all Away from the uncomfortable silence whenever I see anyone who knows me I know they aren’t sure what to say I mean what do you say to some one who just lost her brother Even if they have something to say I’m not sure I’d want to hear it anyway Remember Jo lives in California now if that makes a difference Huntington Beach She has a really nice house with room to spare I crack a smile It feels strange on my lips but it’s a start If I go with Mom I could use my camera again The thought of taking pictures comforts me Just a little I turn toward her and meet her eyes Okay I whisper She puts her arms around me in an awkward hug I’m not sure what to do with my own arms so I lift one and softly pat her back Physical contact has been nonexistent with her for a while now She’s not the touchy-feely type We get along well enough but for her to hug me I’m sure it takes a lot We’re going to be okay she says It sounds like she’s trying to reassure herself more than me She pulls away pats my leg and stands We’re leaving tomorrow morning so you’d better start packing I’ve already booked the flights I frown That doesn’t surprise me at all So you 5

Love, Lucas — page 8 — were going to drag me there whether I wanted to go or not She shrugs I think it will be good for you For us I want to say something else but don’t have the energy as thoughts of Lucas pop into my head again Instead I swallow the lump in my throat give her a quick nod and she leaves me alone Spending the next few months with Aunt Jo might be a good thing She’s a marine biologist or veterinarian or something so maybe she’ll distract me with some of her work And I’ve never been to a real beach before since our family doesn’t really leave the state of Utah The only beachy place I’ve been is Antelope Island This tiny island in the middle of the Great Salt Lake that’s covered with mosquitoes flies and brine shrimp As for animals I’m sure there are a few antelope here and there but I’ve never seen any Just a whole lot of buffalo Antelope Island covered in buffalo Go figure A real beach The thought sounds amazing I’ve only seen pictures of Aunt Jo in the ocean I’d love to have some photos of my own to hang on my wall I climb off my bed and go look for a suitcase Tomorrow can’t come soon enough My ears pop as we land in California Mom grabs her carry-on from the overhead compartment and passes me 6

Love, Lucas — page 9 — my guitar I already have my backpack on my lap We both keep our jumbled thoughts to ourselves When the line starts to move I stand and we follow the crowd and exit the stuffy plane Aunt Jo is waiting for us at baggage claim She runs to Mom and they hug forever even though they saw each other at the funeral four days ago Everyone around us is staring so I move away from them and wait for our suitcases to come down the chute and onto the turn stile I don’t want to talk about Lucas so I let them have a moment to themselves How are you doing Oakley You hangin in there I flinch at Jo’s hand on my shoulder I’m good I grab my suitcase and she lets go I don’t miss the look she gives Mom They’re worried about me They can see through the fake smile I put on for everyone who asks how I’m doing I don’t know why I pretend everything’s okay when clearly it’s not Lucas is gone How can anything be okay when he’s not here He was the only person in my life I could count on Oakley honey you ready Mom looks over at me with a sad but hopeful smile Yes I throw my backpack over my shoulder and my guitar over the other and follow them to the car dragging my suitcase behind me The drive to Jo’s house is quiet I study her and my mom for a while It’s weird that they’re even sisters They look nothing alike Mom’s short dark hair is neat and 7

Love, Lucas — page 10 — straight while Jo’s is long with light wild curls Mom is pale with soft skin and Jo is tan and rough-looking from being outside all the time I look like Mom Dark hair and pale skin Sort of like death They’re so different Their lives especially Mom mar ried Dad when she was only nineteen They were high school sweethearts Obviously it isn’t working out too well I wonder why Jo never married but I don’t ask I’m not in the mood for conversation Jo’s house is beautiful It’s right across the street from the beach There are windows everywhere Huge rectan gular windows that face the ocean I’ve always dreamed of living in a house like this It seems so peaceful Safe from whispers and gossip Just what I need You like it Jo asks I meet her eyes in the rearview mirror and smile It’s perfect She puts the car in park and glances at Mom for a sec ond before looking at me again I fixed one of the guest rooms up for you so you’ll have some privacy while you’re here I remember what it was like being a teenager And your mom told me you like your space Hopefully you can call it your home away from home for a while She gives me a wink before she gets out I open the door and step outside as well breathing in the salty air It’s strange and different from what I’m used to back home but right and wonderful at the same time This is where I’m supposed to be right now and I’m so happy I came 8

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